My father knew exactly what he was doing when he made me. Tried to get his nut and he got a nut and what? - Jay-Z, The Hustle
I guess I should explain what this whole "Mild Mannered Negro" thing is all about. Why I'm all lowercase b black instead of Big B BLACK. (back in the day I was a lowercase G but now I'm a big G dollar dollar bill y'all. Who names their child Montell? What does it mean?) Black means you're representin', you're keepin' it real. Black is thinking that race plays a factor in everything. Black is not wanting to move out of the ghetto because you're scared of selling out. Black is being mad that Black History Month is only 28 days (yet probably not knowing who W.eB Du Bois is...). Black is being mad that nobody says Happy Kwanzaa to you during the holidays (yet probably not knowing what the 8 days of the event are). Black is when you pull an Al Sharpton, performing a sit-in at McDonalds because you ordered black coffee and they gave you coffee with cream and it scalded your tongue because that white ass cream from that white ass restaurant is hot AND racist and they won't just give a brotha black coffee and let him be black with his black coffee and motherfuckers we are about to raise up because slavery's been going on for 400 years and you better give me what I ask for goddammit, I don't care that you dropped out of high school and your mother is a heroin addict and that you can barely read let alone know the difference between black coffee and coffee with cream and that's the reason you're making coffee at McDonald's. Besides, do you see I have a perm AND aligator shoes and drive a cadillac with gold rims and green leather interior because I'm fly like that. Racism is in full effect.
Yeah. I'm not that Black.
I'm that brotha that sat in the front row of your honors english class and didn't realize he was the only brotha in there. I'm that negro whose family has always lived pretty middle class in integrated neighborhoods and went to college and made money and were happy. I'm that brotha who thinks the civil rights movement worked. I'm that brotha who feels guilty that he's not a part of the struggle but not really because he doesn't know exactly what we're struggling for anymore. I'm that brotha who doesn't understand how his upper middle class relatives can scream about racism when they own houses in upscale neighborhoods and buy new cars every 3 years and worry about their retirement plans and stock options. I'm that black guy whose always had more white friends then black because there just weren't any other black folks around and it didn't even occur to him that he was supposed to go search them out to try to figure out his identity. Identity. I'm that brotha that struggles with that every day. I'm that brotha that gets scared to say that he's never experienced racism. That he's gotten every job he's asked for, every raise he's wanted, no one's ever physically attacked him for being dark skinned, no one's ever denied him a place to live, no one's ever had power over him because of their race. Except, of course, for other black people. I've been sat last at a soul food restaurant because I came with my white girlfriend. I was told not to come back to a north carolina mall in a black neighborhood because I was foolish enough to hold hands with a white girl while looking at t-shirts. I'm that nigga that forgot he was a nigga until another nigga suggested that he was supposed to be in the back of the bus with them instead of in the front of the bus reading John Steinbeck and discussing it with the old white lady and old korean lady that were taking the bus to their book club meeting.
I'm that black kid that was okay to bring to your parents house. I'm that black guy that your parent's just might be able to deal with if you brought me home as your boyfriend. I'm that black guy that you said some inappropriate shit in front of because you almost forgot I was black. I'm the one that you're complaining about when you talk about affirmative action because yup, every school wanted my ass because I was one of the 100 smartest black kids in high school in 1993. Harvard fed exed me an application and waived the fees when my smart ass pulled a 1340 on my SAT's. Your white ass couldn't get a call back from Harvard even though you scored a 1600 and complained that the test wasn't hard enough. I feel guilty about that...but not that guilty. Sorry.
I'm that Mild Mannered Negro who sees prejudice from everyone everyday and accepts it. I'm the one who just wants you to like him but doesn't think you're a racist if you don't. I'm the one whose just as comfortable in the ethiopian restaurant shooting the shit with his mother and father about what crazy shit black folks done got into now as he is sitting with all his white wimmins in the sushi bar discussing important things like movies and *nsync and how you don't like Venus Williams (and biting my tongue because I really want to ask if you don't like her because she's black. Hey I may be lowercase black but i'm not, y'know, white). I'm not angry. I'm just me. Hi, Jason. Yup, that brotha over here who spent saturday evening with a bunch of people watching an O-Town DVD and listening to the love song from Tootsie. Damn. I hate you white people.