Jason Toney

at this point, i hate everyone.

"Fuckin' punk you ain't a leader/what? nobody followed you/you was never shit/your mother should've swallowed you." - Big L, '98 Freestyle (The Big Picture) If I wasn't so angry right now, I'd be crying. Two things were keeping me sane this week - Tommorow's visit from the Lovely Miss Anna Baby and Ferris. Midnight Showing at the Nuart of Ferris Beuller's Day Off. The film has been running through my head every day. Just about everyone that talked to me for longer than 5 minutes the past 7 days heard about Beuller and Cameron and the day they had. Now, 2 hours after I left my house, 50 miles roundtrip, I haven't seen it. And some mother fuckers are this close to getting my foot in their ass. Can we drive? Can we not have accidents that back up the freeway at 11pm on a Friday Night? Can we not put on the brakes when there isn't a stop sign? Can we drive the speed limit? Can we go when the light is green? Go, just go, motherfucker. Please just go so I can get there in time and so the Honky Slut Warrior won't curse my name and we can have one night of enjoyment after the grind of jobs that suck, people we love doing hospital stays, relatives on death's door, mercury in retrograde and dogs that want nothing more than to destroy your home! Fixin' to get hurt. I swear. My foot is going to break through the front of my car and kick somebody in the ass. 1:23 motherfucking AM. Ferris is singing Danke Schoen at this point. Chicago is getting ready to twist and shout. And I'm sitting at home not seeing any of it. I could watch the DVD but its about seeing it on the big screen with the right sound, with an audience, with me reciting the lines. Motherfucker. I did get to see the Honky Slut Warrior in her pj's with the cherries on the buttisimo. Mad cute, yo. But I need something, anything to get me through this weekend. I'm this close, people, this close to hurtin' folks. Just smacking bastards around on the street for looking stupid. Stupid ass no driving mother fuckers. Where's my bat?

that boy's just not right

"All these accidents that happen/follow the dots/Coincidences make sense only with you/You don't have to speak I feel/Emotional landscapes/They pass to me and they won't get out/And you push me up to this State of Emergency/How beautiful to me" - Bjork, Joga (Homogenic)

There's something wrong. I don't know what it is. I'm sleeping too much. I'm not feeling energized at all. I'm distant and despondent. I'm watching WWE Smackdown for goodness sake's. What's the matter with me? Maybe I just need to get up, get out, do something. Maybe I need to go hear music. Maybe I need to dance.

Maybe I need a drink.

Stew of The Negro Problem gives a good explanation of why I love and hate the valley in this week's New Times LA

"The bus is where I really discovered what the Valley was all about. It tore up my misconceptions of what I thought was going on around here. I thought this was, like, two cars in the garage, Republican fantasyland, and what I found was a lot of poor immigrants and a lot of poor white folks and a lot of poor black folks and a lot of poor folks from all over the world.

"What it does have is that kind of weird ghetto energy, and what it doesn't have is any fucking culture. That's the part I can't figure out. I don't understand why there aren't more cafs where they have music, or clubs where you can read poetry.

"I feel like the Valley is so gigantic and so potentially powerful. I just can't believe there's not one section with some culture. I guess where we are right now, North Hollywood, is kind of the extent of it. I think it'll be interesting if suddenly a bunch of people decide to get their air conditioners together and move to, like, Panorama City and start a weird gallery or something. It's so fuckin' big, there's just got to be something here eventually."

All Things Considered reports on the Barbershop 'Barbs'. It's a really good piece. And you can actually hear the jokes. I've already expressed my opinion and I think what I said then still holds. I think its misguided criticism but I can understand it. It hits too close to home for some. As one of the people NPR interviewed noted, there's also some fear from certain members of the black community that things that may be joked about and talked about within traditionally black venues may be misconstrued by those not of the community. And that certain people and images are sacred.

But, you know, haven't heard much from Sinead O' Connor since she burned up that picture of the pope so maybe this means Ice Cube and Cedric the Entertainer are going to be dissapear too...

Maybe not. I mean its just Jesse that's offended, right? Not Catholics. And its just Rosa Parks and MLK. Nothing sacred like the pope.

peace is hell

"I can't decide what I dream/but its not up to me what I can give them/unthinkable surprises about to happen/its not up to you" - Bjork, Its Not Up To You (Vespertine)

Let's deal with last week's nonsense first. Newsweek gives me some facts:

The judge, a 66-year-old skeptical former prosecutor himself, repeatedly interrupted the lawyers with questions. “What is it the defendants were planning?” he demanded. “The government must establish that danger by clear and convincing evidence.”... When the hearing concluded Friday night, Schroeder seemed unconvinced that the government had made its case. “I haven’t heard of any acts of violence or a propensity to acts of violence in the history of these defendants,” he said. The judge questioned whether the men had really “provided” support to Al Qaeda, or merely “received” it. He also asked why prosecutors waited until the Sept. 11 anniversary week to arrest the men, if they believed them to be so dangerous. Yet the judge also seemed reluctant to release the men. The prosecution’s larger, more ominous point—what if they are terrorists, and we let them go?—was clearly on his mind. Ultimately, he said he’d rule on the matter by Oct. 3.

As we continue to move down this slippery slope of less freedom in exchange for more security, the question to ponder this week is this: is freedom of association important to us? How important?

Moving on to new business. Outside of knowing that I have no desire to send men and women my age and younger into war unless there's an imminent threat (there's a difference between pre-emption and prevention. The White House seems focused on the latter and that scares me for a whole host of reasons), I'm not really putting much vested interest in this call for war against Iraq (and whatever for calling it a war on Saddam. Its a war on Iraq, baghdad specifically and the Iraqi people. Maybe I should get my protest on? I don't know but Newsweek again comes with the things to ponder:

NEWSWEEK: Would you support the United States if it goes to war against Saddam Hussein?

Kamal Kharrazi: We are basically against a military operation against Iraq. Of course it all depends. If Americans are going to attack Iraq unilaterally, we certainly would not be supportive. In the case that Iraq does not comply [with UN resolutions] and the Security Council would authorize using force against Iraq, it would be a different story. But basically we cannot agree with the U.S. policy to use force in order to change the regime of another country.

I don’t know how to put this delicately, but I can’t imagine that you would be too sad to Saddam Hussein go.

It is a matter of principle. We have the United Nations system. We believe that this is the right of people in each country to decide about their future, not others from the outside.

The Ayatollah Khomeni wanted to replace Saddam in the 1980s.

This is completely different. At that time Iraq had invaded Iran. We do not see Iraq invading the United States. The United States does not like the regime of Iraq. But the United States does not have any legitimate right to change it.

monday, meme monday

"It ain't nothing like hip-hop music..." - Nash featuring The Pharcyde remixed by Rae & Christian (Another Late Night)

I really liked this meme and I plan on doing some non-blog related writing tonight as well as watch the premiere of CSI: Miami so there ya go...

persona non grata

"Still here but lost again/ this strange season, i'll be saving these days." - Jazzanova featuring Valerie Etienne and Rob Gallagher, Mwela Mwela (Here I Am) (In Between)

I think I write in part because I want people to be able to read my mind. I wouldn't say I censor myself in public situations but if I say something I want to be sure the person listening understands the context, gets the soundtrack that's playing in my head to the visual image that I'm picturing while I try to explain with the spoken word. The spoken word is so much different from the written. If I'm speaking, you can look away, you can miss a word, miss an eyebrow raise, misconstrue the tone of my voice, get bored with my over-explanation because spoken language is a quick beast...get to the point as quickly as possible. (maybe that's true of writing too, but I've never been concise)

This is especially true when I meet new people. I don't talk much. I need to guage your ability to get my humor. I don't know you yet so I can't pick up on your clues, your tells. I'm excellent at picking up vibes, even if we're not in the same room...I just need a primer first. It takes me about an hour or so most of the time. I watch. I make notes. I create a mental picture of you that goes in the room with the mental me and we have a mental conversation in which you respond to what I'm saying in my head before I say it aloud to you. I have a lot to say but I measure my words not wanting anything I say to be throw away nonsense. It's just how I do it. We may be quiet at the start of the evening but we've usually had a decent conversation by night's end. Usually.

The Blogger MEETUP was...weird. I wasn't going to go. As I've told Michelle, internet people scare me. They shouldn't. I mean I work in the field, I know most of us are pretty normal (and by normal I mean, fucked up in the coolest way possible) but with the internet I feel like I know only one part of the whole. I get this persona, whatever it is, and its filtered through the need to entertain, to create interest, to protect one's self, and to also put one's self in the best light possible most of the time. So, the prospect of meeting the 'real person' kind of throws me because the person I like, the person I want to know, is this amalgam of words and thoughts and sounds and images that exist only in this space. So, what if you in the flesh isn't the same as you in the mind?

Add to that going to bed at 3:30 in the morning after watching the greatest film ever made, Riki Oh!, doing laundry, getting groceries, getting stuck in traffic, not equating carousel with merry-go-round like a normal person but with ferris wheel like a moron, considering jumping off the edge of the pier like I was Ken Kessler, making everyone wait for me to regain my sense of direction, realizing that I only read 3 of the 13 other bloggers there and having only talked via email with 2 of them, probably giving wrong directions to someone because I was put on the spot and the vision of mapquest directions in my head didn't help me keep my left and my right straight, I just kind of sense my way places....*breathe*...well, you get me staring, watching, observing, and dropping one liners under my breath to see whose paying attention.

It was lovely meeting KD, finally. Wendy (and Francisco...the spouse) were exactly as I imagined them. Wendy's online voice is very, very close to her real life persona. Mikey was entertaining. Ratty made me feel comfortable. Rannva had me totally intrigued, being the lady of mystery and all. Her blog of dreams has me even moreso.

Everyone else was at the other end of the table.

a show about nothing

"Don't Stop, You're Moving Me" - Deep Sensation, Don't Stop (Nude Dimensions Vol. 3)

ironic

adj 1: humorously sarcastic or mocking; "dry humor"; "an ironic remark often conveys an intended meaning obliquely"; "an ironic novel"; "an ironical smile"; "with a wry Scottish wit" [syn: dry, ironical, wry] 2: characterized by often poignant difference or incongruity between what is expected and what actually is; "madness, an ironic fate for such a clear thinker"; "it was ironical that the well-planned scheme failed so completely" [syn: ironical]

arab like me

"There are things about me you've really never seen/Give me a moment to show you what I mean...lean on me!" - Masters at Work featuring James Ingram, Lean on Me (Our Time is Coming courtesy of EJ)

I have this intense desire right now to wrap my head in cloth. I want to speak in Arabic. I want to walk with others doing the same. I want to travel to Mecca and maybe stop in the Philippines. I want to stand outside a court room in support and protest. I want to grow out my beard.

I want to know what it's like.

I want the raw feeling of overt hatred and mistrust being thrust upon me.

For what I may think, for what I may say, for the company I keep, for the way I look.

I don't know the guilt or innocence of these men (and don't you love the court sketch? Let's get that propoganda going right...they must be guilty, look at em!) but I'm confused as to what crime they're accused of. They went to camp?

Y'know, I spent a month with a relative during the summer of my 13th year. I was big into christianity and religion and faith at the time and she was all "born again" and so, my mom let me go to see what it was all about. 30 days after being fed Jesus with my cornflakes and Jehovah with my crabcakes, I wasn't any more "born again". Oh, I went through the motions of Christian Camp, I could've probably left at any time, but I stuck it out and went home not much different from when I left but a lot more aware of what fundementalism was all about.

Now, if she or others of her disciples goes and starts blowing up some shit am I supposed to turn myself in for something?

Now, these 6 guys could be guilty as all get out of something (again, what is it they did?) but right now, I want to do just what this guy is doing.

bail hearings a-go-go:

• Prosecutor: Terror suspect knew 9/11 plan
  
• Five Men Charged with Supporting Terrorists
  
• Terror Suspect says Al-Qaeda Scared Him
  
• Bail Hearing to Continue Friday for Al-Qaeda Suspects
  
• No ruling at US hearing for 6 al-Qaeda suspects
  

woulda, coulda, shoulda

"I really know how it feels to be stressed out, stressed out, when you're face to face with your adversity/ I really know how it feels to be stressed out, stressed out, I know we're gonna make this thing work out eventually" A Tribe Called Quest featuring Faith Evans, Stressed out (Beats, Rhymes & Life)

I was going to talk about sexism in this world of blogs. Especially after reading this post of dru's and then, 2 days later, this post of oliver's with her thoughts on my mind. Yeah, I was going to but I'm not sure exactly what it is I want to say.

I was going to post about the civil rights movement and integration. I was going to talk about the Black Middle Class and Black Communities before the civil rights movement and how perception, presentation and reality are all really different when we think about this. I was going to do some research and bring you some quotes and some facts. I was going to mention Larry Elder and his opinions on the subject. But I'm not. I'm just going to ask some questions:

1. Was the Civil Rights Movement's quest for de-segregation about Integration or Access?
   
2. Do you think most Whites of the time and most Blacks of the time in the Movement were fighting for the same things?
   
3. Do integration efforts like School Bussing move money into or out of traditionally and predominantly black communities?
   
4. What tangible benefits are there to integration?
   
5. Who determined how the changes in law and policy would be meted out?
   

I was going to post about these topics but my mind's cloudy, I'm cranky, and I have other things to think about at this point...so fuck it.

you've got me feeling emotions...

"Now you caught my heart for the evening/ Kiss my cheek moved in you confused things/should I just step back or come harder?" - A Tribe Called Quest, Find A Way (The Love Movement)

To Whom it May Concern,

I know you are doubting yourself. You think you're ugly or weak or worthless or stupid or whatever it is. Maybe its all those things. I know you're emotional, its been an emotional couple weeks, but you're going to make it through. You are stronger than whatever challenge is in front of you. You are bigger than whatever burden sits atop your shoulders. You are better than whatever is a hindrance to your happiness. You are those things just by being you.

Do you know why I'm so sure of this? Because you hang around with me. You get full access to my time. You get my undivided attention. This is important to remember because, as you know, I don't roll with losers. We only get this one life and my time is precious and I don't have time for bullshit which means that if my time is with you...you must be valuable and beautiful and wonderful and a winner.

I just worry a little that you don't know this. That you don't know that you are this amazing person far stronger, far smarter, far more wonderful than most. You shouldn't need me to remind you. You should know it in your heart that just by being you you can conquer all. You can handle every task in front of you.

You can do it alone but you don't have to. I'm here to give you that nudge. There are others around who love you that are here to support you if you stumble, to celebrate your victories, to give perspective to your losses. But know that you don't have anything to prove to us, to me. Know that you don't need to earn my respect or admiration. You have it. Whether by blood or by bond, we are family. We love you.

I love you.

Now go out and slay the dragon.

Love,
Jason

p.s. Will somebody fix me a drink? Make it a double.

p.p.s. That's not a double, sweetie.

but you didn't hear it from me...

"Ahh yes ain't that fresh, now everybody wants to get down like that..." - Les Rhythmes Digitales mixed by The Lo-Fidelity All-Stars(On The Floor at the Boutique)

People are talking...

Ronn defines "wilding":

(adj) To act without rational thought. Wilding was a term not used until the Central park jogger attack in 1989. The victim in this case was raped, and, upon being questioned, kids in the neighborhood of the attackers had said that they had done the "Wild Thing" (after the Tone Loc release). Misinterpreted by reporters not accustomed to the slurred speech of the attackers, the term wilding was born out of the NYC media's lust for a catch phrase. (Info from: "Black Studies, Rap and the Academy" by Houston Baker Jr.) "Across the street you was wilding" -- Nas (?? [1996])

Which pisses me off. Any guesses why? It's a two-part piss-off.

Ampersand had so much to say she (he?) had to post twice:

Of course, there was not only racism but sexism involved in this case - particularly from some of the activists who felt the defendants were being railroaded. Kharey Wise's lawyer questioned (insanely) if a rape had taken place at all, and also suggested that the guilty party might be the victim's boyfriend, whom the victim was lying to protect. (The jury, who did convict Wise of assault, evidently didn't buy this line of argument at all).

That was mild compared to what some non-lawyers were saying. According to Newsday (July 17 1990), "Some of the more vocal spectators denounced the defense lawyers for not questioning the jogger about her sexual activities around the time of the assault."...The fact that some of their most vocal defenders were asshole misogynists doesn't show that the defendants were guilty or innocent, of course. I guess I'm just mentioning it because it seems to have been largely forgotten (the only person I've seen mention this element is a poster on the Ms Magazine discussion boards), and it shouldn't be.

Aaron, as usual, calls folks to task for their language choices:

"confirmed everybody's worst fears about young men, race, class, and urban life"

No. Not everybody.

Just the important people.

Do people get why this is important? And why what he is talking about is such a stumbling block? Why it makes me want to take my ball and go home?

kd has concerns, concerns, concerns (and you should really be singing that. You know, like Becca. You don't watch it, do you? *sigh*):

Since Friday, the hospital has asked the students to transfer somewhere else after receiving numerous threats. Hospital president Dr. Jack Michel said Saturday his hospital has received an overwhelming number of e-mails and phone calls that he described as 'threatening, ethnic, racial e-mails directed at Muslim-Americans.' "

the students don't have a problem with the woman who reported what she heard, or the actions of law enforcement following that. they understand. that all went well, aside from the tremendously sensationalized news coverage. and i'm sure that it's best that these students do their internship somewhere else, for their own safety.

however i find the thought of an overwhelming number of racist threats directed at these students, who did nothing wrong, incredibly disturbing.

But they cheated a toll booth...obviously Al-Qaeda taught them that. They were saving the money up to give to Saddam Hussein.

Speaking of which...Jessica would like you to look at some documents.