"Sock it to me" - Latin Breed, I Turn You On (Funk Spectrum II)
Everyone say hi to Jessica. Jessica, oh about a month ago, explained a game that is going around her place of work called Sex Fantasy Camp. It goes a little something like this...
The game is pretty simple and it sounds deceptively easy. It has hidden depths, however, which we will soon discover. Here's how it works:You have seven days of dream-dates (all of which, of course, end in mind-blowing sex, hence the title of the game). You are allowed to choose one celebrity date for each night of the week and one alternate for each night, in case your first choice dream date is, say, arrested or is away on location. The remainder of the rules are as follows:
1) The definition of "celebrity" varies according to the group with whom you're playing. Basically, everyone in the group needs to be able to pick your choices out of a police line-up. This rule will explain my Monday night, by the way.
2) No time-traveling. I'd like to date Paul Newman, circa Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, but that's against the rules. Everyone you date, you date right now.
3) It doesn't matter if you and your friends all have George Clooney as your Saturday night. This is bound to happen and it's fair within the rules of the game: having to cross check your schedule with your friends will add a level of difficulty to this game that you don't need. It's hard enough to decide whether So and So is a Tuesday or a Wednesday without having to make an Excel spreadsheet to make sure you're not stepping on your officemate's toes. You'll see.
4) You can't use, say, "the cast of Band of Brothers" as one night. One man or woman per night. Nice try, though.
5) In addition to your first choice and your back-up, you are allowed to have what we've dubbed in the office, "the bullpen." The bullpen is your pool of also-rans: people you think are super hot, and would totally date if they asked you out, but who didn't fall into the top fourteen. This is important, as occasionally someone in 1-14 will do something shitty or unattractive, and you need someone else to cycle into the week.
So, since I'm busy at work on reality TV and Jessica is busy at work on reality TV, I figured there could be some reality TV synergy and we could play the game here. (For a similar musical version, although without all the rules, you might visit Michelle--who, by the way, is in desperate need of a nickname here--I've already changed three of my top 10 over there) There really is work I should be doing but, hey, you know what Jack Burton always says, Jack Burton says "Fuck Work when you could be working on fucking" and if he didn't say that, he should have. I don't have to link because you already know who Jack Burton is, right? You're all that cool, right? Right.
Monday!
Monday Nights are Lena Olin nights. You see, I don't do anything on Monday nights. The TV is turned off, the lights are down low. Usually I'm burning candles to get the scent of work away from me. I usually cook dinner on Mondays. Like really get down in the kitchen. I like Jazz and Funk and slow jams and a drink. So, you know...my time is free for Lena. And we can see where the evening takes us.
back-up: Halle Berry. We don't have to drive anywhere. I swear.
Tuesday!
Tuesday is hard. I need someone I want to watch TV with and then, you know, ravish. We're gonna go with Norah Jones here. She might be off to the side trying to figure out the right melody but that's okay. I get the feeling I wouldn't have to entertain her. She's a self-sufficient kinda woman.
back-up: Margaret Cho because, really, who better to sit in front of the tube with? Who better to have something to do after the tube watching is over with?
Wednesday!
Tiffani Thiessen. I want to watch Fastlane with her and point out all the times that she rocks my socks. 'Nuff Said.
Back-up: Nia Long. For repeat nights...we can watch Love Jones and then...
Thursday!
Thursday nights, I like to get funky. Hear some music, go out on the town. I need somebody crazy. Fairuza Balk (she's been bumped to back-up) Veronica Webb is her name. Was a time that Winona Ryder might have had this spot but I like girls that might steal my car, not my favorite shoes and shirt.
back-up: Fairuza Balk. Fairuza looks really good in that movie with Parker Posey that's coming out. What's it called? This is a tough night.
Friday!
My Girl Friday, has to be someone I could imagine spending, you know, the rest of my life with. My right hand, my ace boom coon. That honor goes to Zadie Smith. She's wondermous.
Back-up: I'm thinking Raquel Cepeda.
Saturday!
Eliza Dushku. If you have to ask why, you don't understand me. At. All.
Back-up: Debra Wilson.
Sunday!
I need somebody that might not care if I don't shower until 5 and then I just sit and watch HBO and Alias the rest of the night. We might order pizza or Asian cuisine. We're wearing sweats but we're not sweating...until later. Maya Rudolph tops the list.
Back-up: Alyssa Milano.
The Bullpen: India.Arie, Beth Orton, Wanda Sykes, Lala (I didn't like her much on radio here, but I love her on tv...don't ask me why), MC Lyte, Nelly Furtado, MeShell Ndegeocello, and Ruthie (and if she reads this, she's going to kick my ass). Update: Bumped from the Thursday Back-up slot - Christina Ricci.
things are subject to change...
Your turn.
update: Skits was here first.