Jason Toney

the odd couple - series finale

"I'm sorry, sorry ohhhh" - Femi Kuti, Sorry Sorry *Francois K Dub Mix* (Shoki Shoki) It's time for me to let him go. We can't do it any more. I get home later than expected and he looks at me with sullen eyes. I look around the apartment and see new damage that he's caused to spite me. Our relationship is strained beyond anything it's ever been. I don't let him sleep in the bed with me anymore. He doesn't seek me out to rub his belly or his forehead. We walk around each pretending like the other doesn't exist. He's got an ear problem I can't afford to get fixed. A skin condition that is deteriorating. I know his wailing when I'm not home (and often while I'm there) disturbs my neighbors. It's time for Bailey to find a new home. I'm searching for the right humane society or rescue home to take him to next week (March 8th will be his send-off date, enough time for him to finish the little champions casserole dinners I bought for him and get his shots and a good bath and some extra walks from me) and I'm sad about it but I'm not heartbroken. He's been in my life since October of 1998. Him and that apartment are the only physical links to a completely different life for me. Having him is a constant reminder of an old relationship, an old friendship, and old pain. Part of the reason that I hate my apartment is because of the connection it has to the toughest emotional time in my life. I wonder if the neglect that Bailey has been receiving from me has to do a little bit with that as well. It's not the majority of it. Mostly it's because I no longer have the time to spend quality moments with him. We used to walk 4 times a day, go on hikes on the weekends, spend time at the dog park. I used to get him groomed once a month. I used to take him everywhere with me. My car has some remnants of his hair in it but there was a time when I would need to put down towels for people lest they want a back covered in strands of dog fur. I just don't have the time nor, to be as honest as possible, the desire to alter my schedule to maintain his quality of life. Apartment dogs need a lot of damn care. He can't run free during the day so I really need to be there every 6 hours or so to walk him and make sure he's okay. I can't do it. I want my time at work, I want my time with my friends, I want my time out experiencing life. What I've realized is that it's unfair of me to deny him the same things. So, a week from tomorrow, he'll have to find a new home. I hope it's better than the one he's leaving.

morning streams

"Turn it over, ya'll, and let Granny do her thang" - The Soul Generals, Gramma's Funky Popcorn part 1 (Funk Spectrum II) I don't know where this is going. I just feel like writing this morning. Things I haven't written: The Little Wonton and the Church of Chicken, The Rise of the Rap Republican, Black on Black, and a review of Giggling into the Pillow for Scarlet Letters. Things I haven't figured out yet: how to pay the down payment on my car, what to do with Bailey, what I'm doing for my birthday, if I'm scared to fly to London in April with the threat of war on the horizon, if I can last even just 6 more months in my apartment, if Taebo is going to give me rockin' deltoids like comic book super heroes. Things I've thought about doing that make no sense: going to bed extra early so that I can get up at 3am and watch Strangers with Candy, setting up my gamecube in the office so that I can play Animal Crossing in real time, going on the lam, writing a porno film. Things I will do in the month of March: go to a gentlemen's club for the first time, eat a steak for the first time in probably 2 years, dance the night away at least once, attempt to learn some kind of craft on my own. Favorite phrases of the moment: punk bitches, mother fun bucket, so choice, damn What I'm really feeling right now:

sharky's makes the best...

"Heaven is to me...wisdom and understanding" - Common featuring lotsa folks, Heaven Somewhere (Electric Circus) Friday, I asked The HSW:

Sunday...what's the plan, yo?

And she replied (paraphrased until I can find the actual response):

Be at my house at 9:15 so we can pick up the truck at 9:30. Pack pack pack. Load load load. Look at new apartment and figure out what is needed and what we are going to buy using IKEA, Target, Linens N Things print outs. Go shopping. Come back. Unpack unpack unpack. Build build build. Eat dominoes pizza and dots on the floor while watching Alias as an apartment isn't properly christened until pizza is eaten on the floor.

Indeed. But, in between...

go frost yourself

"I'm getting higher and closer to my dreams" - Goapele, Closer (Even Closer) First of all, Billy Blanks is a bastard. Just because you kick ass on the basic tape does not mean you can do the advanced tape. There needs to be a tape in the middle, yo. Cramps and all kinds of stuff going on trying to be advanced. I think I made it barely halfway through before I had to give up thinking I was going to die. The bod feels good but whoa, man. Ease up. Work continues to be mad busy. We have far too many shows going on and I have a whole lot of work to do which means less time for this place. Although, truth be told, I haven't been much in the way of motivation to write here this week. There isn't much in the way of big life stuff going on or even minor life stuff going on. Just mad work. I'm starting to think about Lola's as the birthday party location. Martinis sound nice. But, really, I'm not that much in the mood to plan it yet. Maybe something will strike my fancy in the most current LA Weekly. Saw How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Gangs of New York with the Jay-Bug on President's Day. I enjoyed How to Lose. As far as romantic comedies go, it wasn't supremely stupid even if it was formulaic. McConaughey is perfect in this kind of stuff. He really does act circles around Kate Hudson who is cute but not exceptionally endearing. It does frustrate me though that this movie, like Sweet Home Alabama last year, makes a big deal out of diamonds. You're all slaves to DeBeers. There are people dying for that shit. Whomever my lady love is, you won't be getting jewels from me. Pleasebelieveit. And I'm not sorry about it. Let's go on a trip instead, okay? Instead of 1500 dollar earrings we can have 1500 dollar memories. Jewel-free but a photo album with pictures from Rio and Ibiza and Tokyo. That's better, right? Gangs of New York was interesting. Daniel Day Lewis is amazing in it and Cameron Diaz continues to be enjoyable in just about every film she's in (Vanilla Sky being the obvious exception) but I left the film feeling like I was missing something. Apparently, so have others. The Draft Riots of 1863 only get cursory exposition in the final act of the film despite the fact that they frame the final gang battle. Most striking is the character of Jimmy Spoils played by Larry Gilliard Jr. A black man running with an Irish Gang, he seems completely unaware of the hostile environment around him and seems not to care in the least that many of his gang buddies are getting increasingly agitated and that anger and violence is being directed towards other blacks. In a 2 hour and 46 minute film that drags a bit in the middle, it would seem important to note how the outside world is effecting one of it's significant faces as it moves towards the final conflict. But Scorsese argues that he wasn't making a movie about African-Americans. Oh. I see. Create a film where lynchings, mob murders and hangings are key to it's conclusion but fail to put them in any context? Design the film so that it looks like it's attempting to be historically accurate but ignore the significant aspects of the history in order to focus on the tired and common tale of a man coming back to avenge the death of his father? How mighty white of you.

the awful truth

"Last night a DJ saved my life." - King Britt presents Sylk 130, Last night a DJ saved my life (When the Funk hits the Fan) We'll consider the thin line between scary pretty and scary ugly in a minute but first, a question. Is it bad form to suggest that a movie is possibly the worst film ever made, the gayest movie ever made, and the most enjoyable movie going experience since Chicago all at the same time? Let me explain: The Apple played at the best little theater in West LA at midnight on Valentine's Day when all the lovers should already be knocking boots. So, of course, the negro please was there because these boots aren't knocking or walking. Candyman and Nancy Sinatra were no where to be found this Black Friday. 385 crazed fans were, however, and they were wearing feather boas, triangular decals, and singing along to the wonderful rock opera hits "Speed" and "I'll Come For You." Whatever naughty things you're thinking because of that title, you're right on. Who else was in the audience this evening, though? None other than castmembers of the Hedwig and The Angry Inch live performance company, KCRW volunteer leaders, and the very lovely couple known as The Trues. Frightened by the number of onlookers at first, the sexy couple proceeded to calm down and enjoy home made cookies and trailers from other Cannon Group films like Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo, Schizoid, New Year's Evil and The Happy Hooker Goes to Hollywood.

Dazed and Confused

You would think that the negroplease.com would be sleeping the day away after arriving home at 3am. You would be wrong. Just a few short hours later, we were in a car with an irate but attractive Honky Slut Warrior jetting from the west side to the Fox Lot to take a gander at that action film about the blind guy in red tights. We made it into the last two seats of the packed theater just as the opening credits started...and were mortified for the next 2 hours. Now, we're no movie critics but it's safe to say that that film sucked. Should anyone ask you about it, you'd do best by saying that Jon Favreau was enjoyable but that sadly you've blocked out the rest. Not even negroplease.com crushes Colin Farrell and Jennifer Garner could save it. Ben Affleck should never be in a form fitting one piece ever again. Thankfully, the rest of the evening went swimmingly as we dined on the best mashed potatoes in town at Lala's and went on a search for flowers up and down Melrose. We ended up in a Gelson's on Santa Monica where who should be behind us but someone who writes almost exactly like this little piece of posting here. Negroplease.com was sad to note that the normally funny writer was not amused in the slightest by his comment that the two magazine covers featuring Smallville hottie Kristen Kreuk and all-around looney bird Michael Jackson highlighted the thin line between Scary Pretty and Scary Ugly. Despite his lack of interest, readers here should really check out the similarity of features between the two and how one is almost too pretty for her own good and the other, well, let's just say, his enormous love for children must compete heavily with his innate ability to terrify them with his looks.

Real Estate Porn

With tulips in hand, np.com and the HSW went into parts unknown, referred to by locals as 'silverlake,' to attend a housewarming party for master guitarist Mattie and his new lady love. All our fears that it would be awkward being in the presence of such talented people who we didn't know very well were put aside by our rampant lust for their 3 bedroom home. Decked out in Asian inspired decor, the home begged to be taken from behind, doggy style. We considered locking ourselves to the butcher block in the enormous kitchen or pretending to be underwear gnomes in the quaint backyard garden but instead decided that should the soon-to-be newlyweds ever need a live-in house staff, we would gladly take the job. Unable to control our passion for the abode, we decided to high tail it out of there and make our way back to familiar surroundings, namely Genghis Cohen in West Hollywood, to see negroplease.com friends, The Red. Their best performance to date, The Red wowed a packed audience of 60 or so in the small venue. Unfortunately, though, the drummer did not break out any faux accents until after the show. His Scottish brogue reminded us of how much we would have rather seen him play Bullseye in the poor action film from earlier in the day. A full day for anyone but not for the staff here. After saying good-bye to the HSW, whose trendsetting fitted red velvet jacket seemed to be the look of the night, we made one final stop at the hottest little party you didn't know about. If you don't remember, negroplease.com was there last year and let's just say that the tabloids are still talking about it. Anyway, arriving fashionably late with a gift from yankee candle in hand, np.com entered the valley home and was immediately handed a tasty and strong apple martini. The soon-to-be jet-setting Jessica was also in attendance and revealed that she may be heading Down Under soon. This lead to discussions of the crocodile hunter and renditions of fiddler on the roof but, thankfully, no "goddamn mother fuckers." Because, really, that would've been scary pretty and scary ugly all at the same time.

peeping toms

"I was looking for love in all the wrong places." - Vikter Duplaix, Looking for You (International Affairs) Fell asleep last night at around 8:45. Woke up at midnight well rested with nothing to do. I walked the dog, washed dishes, went through the stack of mail sitting on the kitchen table and finished reading the latest issue of URB. It was 1 AM and I still wasn't ready to go to bed. I popped in Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window into the DVD player and laid back down on the couch. The DVD version is really clean and they've done an excellent job remastering the film. The colors are vibrant and the sound is outstanding. I still think I like Rope and The Trouble With Harry more (although I haven't seen them in a while) but the connection between my situation in the middle of the night and that of Jimmy Stewart's Jeffries wasn't lost on me. We were both trapped in 2 room apartments having no more than a week's salary in the bank and trying to determine whether or not we could really ever settle down. Now, Grace Kelly isn't visiting me on a nightly basis but other than that we're essentially in the same boat. I'm also incredibly curious about what goes on behind the blinds of my neighbors' windows. I leave my windows open. I like to wake up to the sunlight and I don't really care if people see what goes on in my apartment. If you want a show, well, you've got one. It usually involves me working out in front of the tv or singing poorly and loudly or my dog yelping or me watching tv. You might catch a dance show every once in a while or a peek at me buck naked ironing my clothes for the day but nothing too out of the ordinary. But as Jeffries and his detective friend eyed the sexy ballerina, Miss Torso, as she danced in her skivvies, I was reminded of a summer 5 years ago, a lifetime ago, when ex-girl and I lived together in this very apartment and through our open windows we heard sounds. Passionate sounds. Fair warning kids, we're moving into Xtina territory, it's about to get dirrty up in here.

ask stupid questions...

"Summer Madness" - Kool & The Gang, Summer Madness (off of Internet Radio Station Jazzmusique)

Reader M. Anthony Smith III asks:

Can you tell me something about you?

Like age, profession, education background, race, etc . . .

I am really interested to know the person behind such a vulgar, disrespectful, and disturbing website.

I don't think I've been called disturbing or vulgar before. Thanks. I would ask disrespectful to whom or what but I doubt I care much.

But, since you asked so nicely.

I'm 27 for about another month. I'm a website manager/content producer for a whole host of reality tv shows. That's my bread and butter. I'm also a freelance writer. I'll actually be talking about a piece I wrote a little later in this post. If I ever decide to pay some bills, I'll have a diploma stating that I have 2 degrees - 1 in sociology and 1 in creative writing from The George Washington University in Washington D.C. I am Black. On both sides of my mother's family however there is some mixing. My great grandmother on my grandmother's side was half Cherokee or Sioux, I can't remember which. My great grandmother on my grandfather's side was half Caucasion. My great great grandfather on his side was likely also half Caucasion but his Massa, best anyone can surmise, would never own up to laying down with his mother. I don't know anything about my biological father but I can't imagine my mother's militant ass ever getting down with anybody non-Black and besides that Omaha wasn't and still isn't all that progressive when it comes to such things.

And for the et cetera: If you ever go to Denny's late at night and order some of the midnight munchies you are likely to get some marinara sauce and possibly some salsa. Both sauces look like chopped up baby. I will call them chopped up baby and remark that nothing goes better with nachos than chopped up baby. Is that vulgar, disrespectful and disturbing enough for you?

Thanks for playing.

procrastination project...

"If I say that I love you will you say it back to me?" - Peven Everett, Say It Back (Studio Confessions)

I got this yesterday. I also got Animal Crossing and Resident Evil Zero unexpectedly. Winning Charity Bingo is totally the gift that keeps on giving. Animal Crossing is pretty darn cool, although it's going to take some getting used to the real time aspects of the game. You can't really do anything in the middle of the night because everyone is sleeping. But, you don't want to know about my inner-geek. Saw an excellent AFL game yesterday. I actually think I'm starting to become a fan. Hulk Hogan was in the audience with us. I don't know what that means but that was one of the most notable things about it besides the awesome ending.

What else? They serve you too much food at Burger Continental and none of it is burger. Morcheeba does an incredible 2 hour set. The crowd was filled with industry wonks, though, who wanted to be seen at the hip show rather than really participate in the performance. It was annoying but I persevered and succeeded in not drop kicking people for watching stoically. If I had known that buying balcony seats would preclude us from having floor access, I would have never agreed to such a deal. Morcheeba's music begs to be danced to. It practically requires sensual movement. Can't do that up in the nosebleeds. At least not to it's full effect.

Jianda asked who The HSW was and I realized that I throw out monikers without explaining much who folks are. So...here's the Who's Who of NegroPleaseDotCom:

they pootin'

"They shootin', ha, made you look..." - Nas playing on the soundtrack of Fastlane (and, you know what, that was the best hour of TV I watched this week so to hell with you if you don't love it. Billie bit off an ear and got shanked. Skye was the sexiest evil FBI agent ever (with the sweetest red dragon tat on her back). Jay Mohr told he got a hinky vibe off everyone. Big Boy got to do an action sequence. Facinelli kept his shirt on. Bellamy said he loved the phrase "Deep in the Black." God got his ass kicked and Bill Duke owns. Hard. Bill Duke, I mean. He's the one that owns. Hard. Aww hell, just watch and enjoy.)

I guess maybe 2 and a half years ago was when I started the ill-fated script for a road-tripping rock sort of musical called Hooker. It was about an all-female band, called Hooker, who didn't make it big until they started writing songs that honestly told their tales of love and the pitfalls that fame and fortune bring. The tag line was going to be Hooker: Everybody pays for it. It was very Almost Famous meets Coyote Ugly or something. It was doomed from the start because it should have been a parable about empowerment and liberation but it was wrapped in my own bullshit with the big breakup and my equally wonderful and horrible unrequited crush on The HSW (and don't get it twisted, we're a long way from that point now. You know, life changes, people change, and I'm all over the place this morning...back on topic) and was acting like a romantic comedy. I hate romantic comedies.

the lion king soundtrack plays...

"I can't make you love me, I've got to know who I am inside. Once I know my value, I'll no longer waste my time." - Kim English, Treat Me Right (A Soulful House Experience)

Does it ever overwhelm you? The reality of life I mean. That you are just one person here for a short time on this small rock covered mostly by water in the middle of this seemingly unending space? That everything you do has consequence, that something a million years ago happened to bring you to this spot at this moment right now? That you may die today? That you may get in a car accident and from that accident two paramedics may come together and find love and create life from your death. Or maybe you'll avoid that accident and completely alter history. Maybe you will say something that will inspire someone to do great things. Maybe you'll hold your tongue and their lives won't change. Maybe none of it will happen. Maybe all of it will. What you do today will likely affect some aspect of life, the world, the universe for the rest of time. You won't even think about it. You won't even know but it will and the world will continue on. Does that frighten you? Inspire you? Are you nonplussed by your role in all of this? Does it make you feel significant or insignificant?

I'm just in awe sometimes of how big and how little importance I have in this life, in this world, all at the same time.

And sometimes I can't sleep when I think about the opportunities lost, the possibilities ahead, and the power inside.