Jason Toney

liquor or the lord?

"I live for the funk, I die for the funk" - Notorious B.I.G., Machine Gun Funk (Ready To Die) I'm thinking about going to church. The Little Brown Church of the Valley to be exact. Non-denominational, it's a small chapel tucked behind some much larger buildings on the edge of studio city. Historically, it's where Nancy and Ronald Reagan were married over 50 years ago. We were never members of the church but my family went there a few times when I was in 6th grade. It was a cool place to worship at the time as that was the year Full House started airing on ABC's TGIF and Uncle Jesse was a regular at Sunday services. I'm also thinking about drinking. Just leaving work and going to Chevy's and getting some spicy chicken flautas and some cerveza and then rolling right into Daddy's, taking a seat at the bar, and knocking back a few gimlets. If the gimlet is really good and puts me in that space where the world around me is both muted and crystal clear, I'll probably lick the glass. It wouldn't be a conscious thing. I'd just notice how the condensation had formed on the glass; how the droplets of water floated on the clear surface like islands in the ocean. And then I'd lick the side of the glass. We've established before that I'm not a religious man. I don't think I need spiritual guidance but as I realize and begin to understand that everything is not forever, I can see the value in taking that hour every week to really think about life, my life, what I'm doing with it, what I want to do with it, what makes me happy. What would really make me happy right now is a drink. Maybe I'll just stop off at the store on the way home. I could go to whole foods and get the teriyaki chicken wings and the mac and cheese and a little salad. I could stop at the liqour store and get a 6 pack of the Triple Black. I could sit down in front of the television and, once again, not wash clothes but instead drink a cold beverage, play Madden 2003, and watch a DVD. The thing about the Little Brown Church? The best donuts and muffins at the meet & greet after services and, unlike my 2 years considering a conversion to catholicism, the Little Brown Church doesn't intimidate me. I don't remember ever feeling guilty there or not being down with what the priest ever had to say. Let's just talk about how to really make it through the week and get what we want and maybe help others out and maybe, just maybe, have a relationship with whatever that line is that connects us all that doesn't drive me crazy. Kind of like my relationship with vodka. It never drives me crazy. In fact, it never drives me anywhere. Don't drink & drive, damnit. The church at the end of the off-ramp to get to The Trues gives witty titles to their weekly sermons. This week? Extreme Makeover. I'm tempted to go just because that's witty. Even G-d needs a hook. You know, it doesn't have a hook so much as it has a kick, but a starfucker martini from Lola's would be so choice right now.

all that teeters not told

"I'm like Zorro, I'll mark an E on your back." - EPMD, You Gots to Chill (Strictly Business) So, after a discussion of herpes and a round of fisting, a man named Teeters told me that the hsw had nice titties. But let's begin at the beginning... JEM had a birthday party and the hsw was invited and I'm her plus one so I got to tag along. The hsw told me beforehand that JEM was excited that I was coming, which immediately put me on edge. Should I wear a whacky hat or an arrow through my head and say wocka wocka a lot so as not to dissapoint? Do I have more than 5 minutes of material? This, really, is the most important question. In a room of clever people, can you put out your fair share of punchlines and witticisms so as to not be revealed to be a boring loser? According to JEM, I did okay. Arm over my shoulder she said, "I just want to tell you that you're such a good kid and you're so funny and you're such a good writer and I love your website and I would totally hire you to write." Well, when you're right, you're right. She continued on, "And I just don't understand why we don't have boyfriends and girlfriends. I mean A) We're Hot; and B) we're intelligent..." "And 3)," I suggested, "We're so hot." Which is so true. What is also true is that JEM is the most complimentary drunk ever. I was feeling really good about myself and really special until I heard similar exchanges with several others. "You're such a good kid," she would say, "And you're so funny and fuck your boss." or something to that effect to just about everyone. I asked for clarification, "But they're not as funny as me, right?" "They are funny but, no, not as funny as you," she whispered loudly in my ear. And then she kissed me on the cheek. And then she and the hsw put their fists in their mouths and it all went downhill. Or uphill, if your name is Teeters and you really like to look at my friend's teeters.

the thing is...

"Turn around/It's the only way you'll know I'm there for you." - Donnie, Turn Around (The Colored Section) The thing is I think weed might ruin one's ambition. See, I was watching the old school show on mtv2 last night and they played Method Man and I remembered the first time I saw that video and listened to Enter the 36 Chambers. On an album filled with new rhyme styles and risk taking interesting artists, Method was the one you thought was going to be the breakout star. Then the I'll Be There For You/All I Need (video, quicktime required) video dropped (one of the finest hip-hop videos ever made. Quite possibly in the top 5 of all time greats) and I thought, okay, this cat is special, he's going to go over like the mob. But his albums have never been spectacular. In fact, Raekwon's Only Built 4 Cuban Linx..., ODB's Return to the 36 Chambers and 2 of Ghostface Killah's albums have all been stronger than any effort Meth has put out there. Meth and ODB are probably the Wu's most publicly known members but I seriously thought Meth was going to have the jigga man's spot. Just taking the world by storm. I'm feeling like he just puff puff puff's and maybe, just maybe, Meth, it should've been puff puff pass...

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The thing is that I'm glad it's over.

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The thing is I'm loving my recent conversations with Gwen even though I can't really read the text in her new site redesign. The thing is that she's been giving me shit about my enjoyment of Hammer. Hammer, whose foundation helped fund Better Luck Tomorrow and still stays in contact with the movie's writer and director. The thing is that you can listen to Justin Lin on Elvis Mitchell's The Treatment. The thing is that I want desperately to see the film sometime over this holiday weekend.

vacationed my ass off

"But that's what makes the world go round." - The Stylistics, People Make the World Go Round (Another Late Night) Butters indeed. There were many conversations this weekend, while we vacationed our asses off in Port Hueneme and one centered briefly on which one food could you eat for the rest of your days, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We're talking one dish...the same dish over and over and over again. This got me thinking about other "one things"...if I had to listen to one album over and over again for the rest of my days what would it be? Another Late Night mixed by Zero 7, of course. Check Trent for the rules. This is The Remix:

i've got the sniffles

"Don't let him handle me and drive me mad." - Nina Simone, I Loves You, Porgy (Nina Simone's Finest Hour) There's been this push in R&B and Hip-Hop music over the last decade or so to make it okay to cheat. The #2 song in the country right now, 50 Cent's 21 Questions, asks: If I was with some other chick and someone happened to see? And when you asked me about it I said it wasn't me Would you believe me? Or up and leave me? How deep is our bond if that's all it takes for you to be gone? or how about Clipse in Ma, I Don't Love Her? If I don't know I don't know, lets not go that road I don't know who she is, don't care who told Look stop flippin', no need to explode I seen the number in the pager, I don't know that code In the streets too much, c'mon, that's absurd Gettin' no complaints when I be flippin' them birds Your girls just talk 'bout this that and the third Believe half what you see none of what you heard You askin' me who's her I'm askin' who's mink fur With that rock on her hand makin' their eyes blurred Could that be you plus who cop every gem Who spend like I spend, then act like it then Got the dream home and we settled in it Our lives too perfect that's why they meddle in it Now, just chalk it up as just part of the game You know who I'm about, who got part of my name? No. There's a toll to pay. Cheating is putting your life at risk. Cheating makes sane men and women go batshit. I'm about peace. Cheat on me, though, and I start thinking about knives and punching somebody in their left eye. I take priviledges away. Cheat on me and your little punk ass cheatin' partner is not allowed in the Valley unless he wants a butt whoopin' butt whoopin'. I don't care if he's the nicest guy. I don't care if you have a special connection. I don't care if he's curing SARS. He gets my foot on his chest if he steps in the arena. Because there is a price on that kind of pain. But, I understand. Some of ya'll, on top of being shiftless no account shady motherfuckers, are ignorant. You just don't know that your life is at risk when you do the things you do, say the things you say. So, I'm going to help you out. If you can't be a stand up human being and just talk to your man or woman about what's going on, here's how you deal with it so as to not get got.

1. Don't deny it. Your partner has already tracked your shit. We know what's happened. We have times and dates already. Your bullshit is just going to serve to fuel the fire.
2. Don't be proud. If you're really in love with your partner and you just slipped up, beg forgiveness, get your behavior right and do what needs to be done to try to get back what you've lost. If you come with, "But I don't think I can just break it off..." or "It's your fault this happened" you will get cut. I'm just trying to help you out. Help me help you.
3. Keep your secret lover way the fuck away from your #1. Not unless you want that person just beat down, tore up, and worse off than he/she ever deserved to be.
4. Get rid of all remnants of your secret life. At least give the illusion you're trying to work it out. If you're still holding on to the rose or CD homeboy/girl gave you, we're going to have a problem.
5. Take your medicine. You're the one that fucked up. Don't cop an attitude. If you don't like what's coming get the fuck out and let a heartbroken person be. If you're staying, though, you have to pay the piper so that the piper can get past the hurt.

and for the "other", I've got some tips for you, too. You're the one most at risk, really. See, for whatever reason, we love the asshole. We don't know you as anything except a homewrecker. The way you play this may very well determine your time in this world.

1. Don't reach out. We don't want to see you right now!
2. If we contact you, answer our questions and don't do anything else. Your safety depends on you being a not-so-innocent bystander who got caught up. You answer truthfully and without extras and you're going to be alright.
3. Don't give advice. You've known the person we've been in love with forever for like a month and you think you know something? You are just asking to be hurt.
4. Hide. I'm serious. We might have kids with the asshole. We don't know you.
5. Pray. See above.

I'm not even in a relationship right now and cheaters are still pissing me off. People are so damn stupid.

*ping*

"I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else" - Nina Simone, Love Me or Leave Me (Nina Simone's Finest Hour) I've hacked my way around my work firewall. *ping* That means that there are a ba-billion old movable type posts on other peoples websites that got pinged today. *ping* Jay Smooth was probably the biggest benificiary of that. I think I pinged him about 6 times. *ping* That one is a new one because I was really sleeping on Jean Grae. I'd heard so much about her. Garth had dropped a joint or two on Chocolate City back in the fall but I wasn't paying attention. Trent has been all about her for awhile but I was just hitting the snooze button with regularity. I have Attack of the Attacking Things right now. She's sick with this. Intelligent, high quality, deep sultry voiced rhyming over some very adept beat work makes for one happy negro. You want an answer for the status quo--what does Tricky call it in the most recent OneWorld? He says

Decadent black music with no social values, just a bunch of secondhand emotions.

--well, Jean Grae is the antidote. I can't say that I'm feeling the other heavily touted but not very much heard album, The Listening by Little Brother. Maybe I just need more listens but it doesn't seem all that much different from Questionmark Asylum's work 6 or 7 years ago. I might just be selling it short, though, because I've got too much music on the brain. Like Boomkatalog One which I can't seem to stay away from and Funkmaster Flex 60 Minutes of Funk Volume One which won't leave my car stereo. I won't get into Boomkat. Popmatters does a great review of the album. I want to hang out with Taryn Manning. I'm just going to put that out there. The funk flex joint though? It's because there's a really nice throwback vibe to it and some real traditional DJ work with some classic beats. After reading Yes, Yes, Ya'll and being blown away by it, I need more classic joints. I need to go back and really listen to some Furious Five records. I'm trying to remember what it was like when at 6 and 7 and 8 years old I would hear The Message and The Breaks and how much Beat Street blew my mind (even though it's the "okay for the masses" version of Wild Style, it is still the best breakdancing on tape you will ever see). It has me thinking about Le Freak and Rappers Delight (the first two records I owned that weren't from the Disney Library -- you know I was rockin' Macho Duck) and The Show (the first record that got taken away for being dirty...well, the B Side, Ladi Dadi, was what got me in trouble) and Freaks Come Out at Night which still may be my favorite hip hop record of that era (it runs neck and neck with Wild, Wild West because Kool Moe Dee was no joke...We don't start trouble but boy do we end it!). And it has me thinking about the zest for creativity, for rockin' a party, for doing something new, for taking risks, for doing it your way that the onset of hip-hop represents. It has me feeling like I should hone the poplock skills again. It has me thinking about Fat Laces. Checkerboard style, perhaps. Speaking of Checkers, I know that Denzel Washington and Training Day made the phrase "This is chess, it ain't checkers." popular (and I've been seeing and hearing it a lot lately) but was it a slang phrase before then?

what is beautiful? #2 in a series

"I'll fly home." - Zero 7, Destiny (Simple Things) Bald women. Soft-shell crab in a hand-cut roll. Hawaii. Why Hawaii? Marathon. Me in a marathon? I think so, yes. Blue eyes. Blue shoes. Blue choker. Dark Suit. Vixen. "You have great teeth." "I like your watch." "You're looking so fit." "You've just got it together." (I do what I can) "Look, he's blushing." Black man blushing. Rachel Griffiths as Brenda. Daily Candy. The clothes of Yoji Yamamoto. Memories of Vegas. Carol Mosely Braun's Alliteration: If we can rebuild Baghdad, we can rebuild Baltimore. Being halfcrazy and liking it. ...can't get you out of my system and I wonder if it's worth me holding on...

what is beautiful? #1 in a series

"There are places I remember all my life..." - The Beatles, In My Life (Red Album Disc 2 - 62-66) The sun peeking through the morning clouds. The man who is big bird. Calling "Bullshit" with Mrs. King. (I'm the scarecrow, remember?) Pictures of Brynn. Celia and Helene. Ginobli's sick dunk on my beloved Lakers. The Actress getting back to life after loss. Confessions of a drunken Candyland (the person not the game). What Jay Smooth Said. The redefinition of "taking a break." Some Sensuality. ...hey beautiful you give me reason to smile, now all you need is to come on and love me... ...i want to hold you tightly. Day and nightly...

5 + 10

"Been down so long, gettin up didn't cross my mind." - Bobby Womack, Across 110th Street (Jackie Brown Soundtrack) The Friday Five: 1. Name one song you hate to admit you like. I don't think I'm ashamed to like any song. Maybe "Foolish" by Ashanti because I so want to dislike her. 2. Name two songs that always make you cry. "Blackbird" by The Beatles...always. And, sometimes, not always, "They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)" by Pete Rock and CL Smooth-- "Careless Whisper" by Wham! 3. Name three songs that turn you on. "Ice Cream" by Sarah McLachlan. "Roni" by Bobby Brown. "Erotic City" by Prince "Any Time, Any Place" by Janet Jackson 4. Name four songs that always make you feel good. "Award Tour" by A Tribe Called Quest. "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire. "The Freaks Come Out at Night" by Whodini. "Strawberry Letter 23" by just about every artist that has performed it. 5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without. "My Life" by Mary J. Blige, "Venus as a Boy" by Bjork. "Bombs Over Baghdad" by Outkast. "What's Goin' On" by Marvin Gaye. "Any Time, Any Place" by Janet Jackson