"We don't ask too many questions on the winning side." - Oingo Boingo, Winning Side (Alive)
*If you weren't with me this weekend, you totally won't get any of this. This is strictly for BVN's own Original Scooby Doo Crew.
And we're off! Vegas! We're so going to Vegas right now. But first we must get gas. "She was so cute until she preened the entire time. Now she's ugly.' Vegas! Traffic. vegas! Let's play MFK. Let's play Celebrity. Let's play Death is Not an Option! Yes! "I think I'm going to have to go with Arkadickus." aHahahahahahahahaha. "I saw him in gym class. His breast size is at least Double D. Arkadickus is sittin' on dubs." aHahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. This? The funniest 15 minutes of my entire life. I'm crying. My eyes might fall out of their sockets. Oh my god. That would totally bum this trip out if that happened. VEGAS! Oooh, lightning. and Rain. It just went from 96 outside to 64. Wow. Now it's back up to 95. It's hot.
We are in Vegas. We have been in Vegas for an hour and we haven't spent any money yet. How can this be? What is wrong with us. We are in Vegas. We are in a fabulous suite. This city must take our money. Take it from us. Can we go to where they will take our money? We're going Downtown! And we're off. Wow. Downtown. It's barren. There are misfits. Many of them. This drink is weak. This video poker is weak. Elvis slot has stolen our money unfairly. Give us our money back elvis slot. You died on this day 26 years ago. You do not deserve our money. "Well, actually, Elvis died in the afternoon...a little after 4." Okay Elvis slot...we shall meet again. After 4pm. That glitter gulch off-duty stripper totally just tried to filch on the bill. That's so crazy. It's raining. It rains in Vegas? How can this be? It's 3:30 am. We have spent money now we must return to the lap of luxury. We're waiting for the cab. There are sad, drunk frat boys and The Mullets waiting as well. The Mullets get a cab. "Where are you headed Mullets?" "Maryland." "Where?" "Maryland." Ooops. Mr. Mullet just banged Mrs. Mullet's head on the roof of the cab while trying to assist her in. aHahahaha. And they would rather go to Maryland instead of their hotel. aHahahaha. We should get their number so we can hang out. Why will no one go get their number? No, I will not go get their number. I do not talk to strangers. Why is a limo from the MGM Grand dropping off the thinnest oldest cowboy ever and his friend and 2 women of the night off right in front of us? This is weird. I think I'm tired. Can we please get home without hitting the jackknifed truck, the busted up pick-up truck or in any fashion in which we might tinkle on ourselves. We do not wish to drizzle before we can properly wizzle.
Sleep. Get up. Early. Breakfast at the Spa. 6 miles on the treadmill. We're having room service in our suite. We rule. We are decadent. We are Golden Gods. We worship false idols and we are not ashamed. Why are their alarms going off in the canal? Why does everyone wear their ugliest outfits when they go to vegas? Must every white man wear khakhi shorts and those boat shoes or whatever the fuck they are from New England? Can black folks only wear throwback jerseys? Why did we not wear our bandizzis? We so needed to rock our bandizzis in Vegas. Fuck. We are not as cool as we once thought. Why are we compelled to sit in La Scena? We are because the lounge singer is wonderful. She has worked her voodoo. She sings with an accent. We don't care that she is singing a disco version of the love theme from Titanic. We only care that her smile is infectious. That she dances with flare. That she is smiling at me. You may think she is smiling at you but really she is smiling at me. She is only smiling at you to get to me. I am not delusional. You are delusional for believing you can take her away from me. She is Italian. She is French. No, she is Israeli. She loves me. I love her. You may think you love her the most but you would be wrong. I love her the most. Okay, the DJ loves her the most but she touched my shoulder. Game. Set. Match.
I do not understand craps. Most people don't understand blackjack. They think they do but they don't. It's very sad. Especially at the Sahara where the tables are cheap and the people are cheaper. I'm so drunk right now. i believe I've had the equivalent of a bottle of Ketel One in these 9 drinks I've had since 1. Shall we eat large amounts of food? We shall. Shall we be tired of bachelorette parties? We shall. Shall we be tired of men dressed as Elvis in accenting outfits? We shall not. Shall we put on our night time clothes? Yes, please. Oh my god it takes forever to put on night time clothes. But it is okay because their is cracking and crackling and pouring. It is amazing. Really amazing. We don't see such things in So. Cal. We love it. We love old school. We are on a Roller Coaster of Love. But this is a slow roller coaster because damn it takes a long time to put on night time clothes. I have had no sleep. I have had many drinks and many big meals. If we do not move I will die. I do not wish to die. I wish to party. I wish for Mr. C to not lean against the glass. I'm afraid of edges. Mad afraid. Please put on your night time clothes more quickly or else I will sleep perchance to dream. Please. I must put on these pants and have more drinks. In a circle.
And we're off! Except this cab line is long. I was supposed to do something today. Oh yeah...Call Monique. It's too late. I'm too drunk. I would be embarrassed. Not as embarrassed as these women should be. Why do you have a tiny penis sticking out of your cleavage while you're standing outside? I hate you so much right now. Why must every group of women scream "Whoo!" We are done with "Whoo!" I hate "Whoo!" so much right now. We could be at the airtel hotel right now celebrating 10 years of life post high school. This is so much better. We're repping wolfpack pride in Vegas. What what! BVN! Crimson and Gray! What What! I'm so drunk right now. And we're off! And the circle bar is too busy but there is a man with pink pants, a pink hat, disco ball earrings and a real life friend dressed as Austin Powers. We should get their number so we can hang out with them because they are frightening. Why won't you go get their number? Remember? Strangers and me don't talk. That's your job. Damn. We've lost them. We've also lost Fellatio to alcohol and the prospect of gettin' some booty. He, however, is an oily bohunk. Mr. C is nervous. I'm enebriated so I am not. We leave her to her mission. We return to the Sahara. I wanted to dance but there is no dancing. Why is there no dancing? Why can these people not play blackjack? Let's have breakfast. Why did we have this breakfast. It will hurt in the morning. Can we go sleep now? Sleep.
Breakfast so hurts in the morning. Let's not have gravy at 3am. I'm never going to eat again. I'm never going to drink again. Okay I lied, let's have this morning quesadilla and a fruity drink with alcohol in it. Let's sit at the sports book. Let's learn to love the ponies. We love the ponies! Oh my god I so love the horse races. We will be millionaires. We can pick the right horse and go fight win. We will win forever. Jay-Bug and I are unstoppable. We know innately which horse will win. We always win. Oh no. We've lost. We were so close. We still love the ponies. We also love the nickel slots. We win we lose we just want to money grab but it denies us. It taunts us. It hates us.
And we're off! Except we're waiting for valet to return our vehicle. Where are we headed?
Maryland.