The Amazing Race 5 - My Open Letter to Colin

"I'm sharp like a cactus plus quick to bust gymnastic tactics" - The Roots, Mellow My Man/Jusfuckwithis (live at Fenix, Seattle, Wa, 1999) [buy come alive] Pardon this interruption but have you been watching The Amazing Race 5? Can I take a moment to knock on my TV screen and rip somebody a new asshole? *tap* *tap* Colin, you insufferable prick. Hi. Now, not only did you and your girlfriend go head to head with my beloved Charla & Mirna and win last week, this week you proceed to show how much of an absolute ass you are. You go bug shit in Tanzania refusing to pay the same fare that all the other teams paid and going so far as to nearly get arrested while treating every dark skinned man you came into contact with like he was nothing. Then when you realize that the Tanzanians aren't intimidated by your "I'm a crazy American white man who can buy and sell your entire country" shtick you toss your 100 dollars in the air in the most contemptible of fashions. (Which, by the way, is the second time that behavior has happened on this show. Last week Nicky of Brandon and Nicole fame, while probably justified in being irate, did the exact same thing. What's up with that exhibition of class, entitlement and superiority my Ugly American in a foreign land friends?) Then, Colin, my bastard, you blame Christie for your nearly getting arrested. What the shit is this? Now, I'm no Christie fan (although I imagine she's much more tolerable when she's not having to deal with your sociopathic tendencies. Can you see the tension in her face, fuckwad? She's on the verge of breaking down every time you give her your best American Psycho stare) but, dude, you were a complete jerk-off right there. Just admit it. Why do you scream at every person you meet like they owe you something? Homeboy in the cab, walking with the camel, pushing the water taxi along the river doesn't know or care about you. Enjoy the fact that you are in fucking Dubai, say thank you every once in awhile, tell this woman that for some odd reason (fear?) decides to stick it out with you (and blame herself for your toolery) that she rocks and you don't deserve her, and then shut the fuck up for a minute and enjoy the view. It hurts my heart that despite all your complete and total jackholeness that the two of you ended up in first again. If Chip and Kim, who are absolutely wonderful week after week (South Central say what?!), don't win and you two miserable bastards do, we are going to have to fight in the street. Because Colin, this week, and really every week, you get the gas face. Fucker.