"Watch how you talk, watch where you walk, nigga" - Mr. Cheeks, Supposed To (featuring Floetry)
We're just under two months shy of the anniversary of Aaron's death. In a week, it will be exactly a year from our last conversation (online, of course. It was a Saturday night. We talked Justice League Unlimited and our shared curse of falling in love with "crazy" women). This week, I've been thinking a lot about how I've interacted with the online world, the blog world, since his passing.
In general, I've disconnected from my emotional connection with a lot of the 'virtual' people. This space has become far less intimate. With LAist (and at work), I've turned blogging into a job. It is a job I love and enjoy but it is no longer a complete digital representation of who I am.
It wasn't by design, necessarily. I made a conscious decision to detach a bit. I couldn't deal with the weirdness of attempting to deal with the very real emotions of anger, sadness and frustration in this unreal place. I simply no longer wanted to read and write about my friend who died in a way I can't, don't and won't understand.
And, apparently, I didn't want to risk feeling trapped like a ghost in a machine again. I haven't made any new strictly online friends in that time. I read fewer and fewer blogs that act as diaries. With rare exception, I've pulled back from old virtual relationships. Not by design, necessarily, but I've been protecting myself.
I realized that this week as another blog world birthday approached and I was at a loss for words. At a loss for connection and relavence. I felt separate, am separate, from most of those with whom I once talked with every day.
Hell, I don't even write in my livejournal anymore and only like 5 people read that.
I'm not sure if I'm hiding, if I've just found the balance between the real world and this one that works for me or if this will pass and I'll return to the journal with bloggish tendencies that negro please once was.
I seriously doubt the latter.
I miss it and I don't.
It's almost a year since Aaron died and 359 days since he and I last talked and I'm just taking stock of how weird this virtual world has gotten for me without him in it.