Jason Toney

The Cult of The Marrieds

"We took the long and steady road." - Mayer Hawthorne, A Strange Arrangement

It comes in those in-between times. In the elevator or walking to a meeting. Crossing paths on the way to the bathroom or at lunch. From the women, it's this bright smile and hearty congratulations. From the men, it's a firm handshake and a clasp on the shoulder. In both their eyes, there's this acknowledgment. They are about to bring me in to the fold. It's as if I've spoken the secret code word and it is now time to learn the secret handshake and the peculiar rules of our organization.

As they begin giving me advice about getting married—whether it be about the wedding itself or general life advice about relationships and couple-dom—I, without fail, get this vision in my head of myself going through clandestine rites of passage as I join this cult: the cult of the marrieds. And while I appreciate all the advice and such, I can't help but smirk at it all.

You'll forgive me, Marrieds, if I don't immediately jump at the chance to follow in your footsteps and do what you've done. I realize that marriage and partnering is a common occurrence but, please, I'd like to think of us as different and unique for awhile.

I'm not ready to join the cult.

Oh, I'm ready to be married. I'm just not ready to be lumped in with the lot of you.

I have a confession to make: Hey, you Marrieds? Most of you, I've been judging you from my high horse of singledom. I laugh at your compromises and mini-vans and in-law stories and whatever. I know there are great joys that come with these other things but over here? We drink champagne when we thirstay.

So, you know, don't feel bad if I cut short your litany of things to think about or your queries about who is going to move and if we'll have kids and what the ceremony is going to be like or blah-blah-blah marriage-cakes.

Oh, and also, to my single friends, please don't presume I'm a Married yet. I haven't quite connected to the hive mind. Neither my politics nor my view of the world has changed much by my intentions to wed.

I'm still quietly mocking the cult even as I slowly begin to accept that I will become a member.

This is how Scientology gets you, too, isn't it?

Update: Tiffany's take.

The Get Throwed (Up) Workout Playlist

1. Incredible Feelin' (ft. Jazze Pha) by Slim Thug
2. Get Throwed by Bun B
3. Real Women (ft. UGK) by Talib Kweli
4. What's Happenin' (Remix f/ BG) by Juvenile
5. Protect and Serve by Underground Kingz
6. I'm Black (Green Lantern mix) by Styles P.
7. War by Nas
8. High Note by Scarface
9. Barbershop (featuring Big Pooh) by Murs

Bonus: The Grind Date by De La Soul

A Plyometric Cardio Circuit cut short by something flying in my mouth and nearly choking me to death. This was a bad workout week but I'll be back on the grind in full come Monday.

De La Soul says, "I'm hands on with it...all up in my cuticles."

The Easier Said Than Done Workout Playlist

We Want Eazy by Eazy - E  
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07 We Want Eazy.mp3 (9477 KB)

1. Jackin' for Beats by Ice Cube
2. Tonite by DJ Quik
3. Ain't No Future In Yo' Frontin' by MC Breed and DFC
4. Can't Truss It by Public Enemy
5. Ain't No Half Steppin' Big Daddy Kane
6. Gangsta Gangsta by N.W.A.
7. Uptown Anthem by Naughty by Nature
8. We Want Eazy by Eazy-E
9. My Philosophy by Boogie Down Productions
10. My Melody by Eric B. & Rakim
11. Jingling Baby (Remixed But Still Jingling) by LL Cool J
12. They Want EFX by Das Efx

Bonus: Chief Rock by Lords Of The Underground

Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs this morning with a playlist apparently inspired by my high school Walkman.

I woke up this morning thinking about regrets or, more accurately, my lack of them. Every day I wake up is an opportunity to change the game.

It's Tuesday, baby. Let's Go!

Mr. Funke says, "Say what I want cuz I'm that type of guy."

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The Gotta Get Up Workout Playlist

Would've Been The One by Solange  
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04 Would've Been The One.mp3 (6938 KB)

1. Digital World by Kelis
2. Sittin' Back by Res
3. Trouble by Amel Larrieux
4. How Does It Feel? by Pharrell & The Yessirs
5. Margarita by Sleepy Brown
6. All I Need by Amerie
7. Would've Been The One by Solange
8. Gotta Get Up (Another Day)(featuring 4Hero) by Jill Scott
9. If There Ain't Nothing by Res
10. Keep It Playa by Pharrell
11. She's A Bitch by Missy Elliott

Bonus: Stay Together by N*E*R*D

Three days off (because I brought my workout DVDs but not my workout clothes and shoes to Atlanta) and I'm back with a Cardio Recovery. I'm still not as flexible as I'd like but the legs and arms are much stronger and I'm getting much better at plank work. 2 more workouts in month one, then a full week of recovery and then we go into the Max workouts.

I'm hella nervous about that.

N*E*R*D says, "what the f*ck just happened?"

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She + Me + You + I = Us Situation

"I could hear you thinkin', how to love a shadow. Turning in your sleep. Running away from him." - Swell Session, All of Me (Vs Mark De Clive-Lowe)

I keep wanting to preface these posts by promising that this blog won't become a "marriage" or "relationship" spot but I can't really promise that nor, ultimately, should I. My web writing has always been best when it comes from the heart or passionately from the head and this, obvs, is what's on my mind of late.

So, no  promises.

As the reality of being on the path to becoming some of The Marrieds settles in and Tiffany and I talk more to each other (and online) about our future, I'm finding myself even more frustrated about the state of marriage equality in this country.

With our first discussion of finances, it became apparent how much of a boon marriage is in fiscal terms. From tax savings to health insurance choices to life insurance policies to simple combined income, we're in a position to be much better off than we currently are because we can get married in a legal way.

Those who know me know that I've been an advocate for marriage equality. I support Human Rights Campaign, the ACLU, and Equality California with my dollars but I'm feeling an even stronger pull to be publicly active. To rally. To shout. To not wait for what seems to me to be the logical conclusion of this battle but to push it forward.

In 2010, I've thought a lot about privilege. Racial privilege, class-based privilege, location-based privilege. I must, however, accept my own privileges. Of being a man.  Of being middle-class.

Of being born heterosexual. 

I'm lucky. Lucky to have found love in a partner who loves me back.

I'm also lucky that we happen to be of different genders.

Otherwise, in most of this country, love would be all we'd have. Marriage not even an option. Sometimes constitutionally so.

And so, as I prepare to take advantage of these grand privileges afforded me, I guess I do make a promise: to fight for equality. For you and the ones you love.

Our government shouldn't like my luck more than yours.

She + Me Situation

"Feelin' the changes inside this ecstasy...just you and me." - Jazzanova, Rockin' You Eternally

If I'm really honest, I've known I was going to be with Tiffany for the long haul since New Year's 2009. That was her first time meeting my family and she was an instant hit. My sister took a quick liking while my mother preceded to talk her ear off. They connected over a mutual fascination with exotic and worldly meals, a love of travel, and a good drink. She even held court with my father, discussing the merits of Krystal's Burgers and White Castle.

And, as we sat on the love seat in my parents' family room, I knew that she had, in a few short hours, become part of mine.

I thought about asking her soon after. I even bought a kitschy ring from poketo in case the spirit moved me that Valentine's day or anytime after. I didn't do it. On my trip to Atlanta that February, the $10 sign of my commitment sat in my bag. And it would sit trip after trip until, eventually, it stopped traveling with me. It was increasingly apparent to me that this couldn't be some cavalier thing, no matter how nervous tradition, pomp & circumstance tend to make me.

We had a fight in April of 2009. Well, not really a fight. We'd just come off of two amazing trips. Our first as a couple at SXSW and then our first trip together to New Orleans. New Orleans had been particularly spectacular. Something about that trip and that city crystallized in my head what our life together could be like. We always have a great time together but NOLA was particularly special. But, long distance relationships are hard in that, a weekend of bliss can quickly be followed with a week of missed connections at a time when you're trying to hold on to a feeling.

Those missed connections that week mixed with some bad juju from a relationship between friends that had gone south turned into our first heated conversation. Details are unnecessary but after we reconciled, I realized how much she mattered to me. How much I was willing to fight for this relationship. How honest with her and, more importantly, with myself, I was willing to be. And it was at that time that I started planning in earnest.

Some things had to happen first -- Meet her parents and determine whether or not her fam was too crazy for me; if not, inform them of my intentions; then, get her her ideal ring and ask for her hand. It took a good 8 months for all that to happen but a week and a half ago it all came together.

There were two ideas that immediately came about how to do it -- I could arrive in Atlanta unannounced and surprise her at work or at home or I could do it at the airport when she arrived for one of her trips West. That seemed particularly brilliant to me as our romantic relationship began with her flying to LA about 18 months ago.

So, Valentine's Day weekend that's what I set out to do. I arrived at LAX early only to find that her plane had landed early as well. I had no time to prepare as she was coming down the escalator mere moments after I'd entered terminal 5. After a hug and a kiss, I took her bag and asked about her flight. She proceeded to inform me about the perils of the middle seat and the annoying kid and as she did, I brought out the little black box from my pocket.

It took her a second to recognize what it was and then another half a second to say, "You're not going to do this here."

I said, "I am," and attempted to go down on my knee. Her face turned from bewilderment to complete terror.

She grabbed my elbow and prevented me from going down. "No, no no no. Not here. You can't do it here," she pleaded.

"Are you for real," I asked realizing as I did that she was dead serious. She looked like a frightened rabbit and that at any moment she might sprint back up the escalator and hop on the first plane back to Georgia.

I relented on the knee action but then tried to show her the ring. She stopped me. "So...Yes," she said, "But wait."

I said, "Okay," placed the ring back in my pocket, hauled her bag onto one shoulder, took her hand, and we laughed all the way home.

It wasn't until we stepped into my apartment that I was able to finish the deed. I finally got to me knee and asked, barely audibly, "Will you marry me?" As I did, I opened the box. I don't even know if she actually heard the question as she saw the ring and began to well up.

Her eyes danced. We embraced. I placed the ring on her finger...only to find that it was two sizes too big.

And that, for the many people who have asked, is the true story of our engagement. Honestly, though, it's better when she tells it in person.

Shorter, too.

Resized, like my plan and like the ring.

The One Day Workout Playlist

Love Jones by J Dilla  
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03 Love Jones.mp3 (1797 KB)

1. Make 'em NV by J Dilla
2. Game Over (featuring Jay Dee and Phat Kat) by Dabyre
3. Tight Eyes feat. Oh No & The Luv Bugs by Nicolay & Kay
4. Brazillian Groove (EWF) by Jay Dee
5. Super Sound by J.Rocc
6. Conducted Rhythms by Beat Conductor
7. The Offbeat by FLYamSam
8. R U Listenin'? (feat. Guilty Simpson) by Illa J
9. Plastic (featuring: Diverse) by Prefuse 73
10. One Day by RJD2
11. Sao Paulo by Flying Lotus
12. Wanda Vidal by Sound Directions
13. Love Jones by J Dilla
14. In The Streets by Jay Dee
15. Be With by Koushik
16. Kiana by Wildchild

Bonus: As Serious As Your Life (Jay Dee Remix) by Four Tet

One day, I won't feel completely whooped by this plyometric cardio circuit. One day, I will wake up with birds chirping outside my window. One day, I will get on a plane to see my lady. One day, I'll feel forward motion, progression, life as it is and life as it can be.

Huh, that day is today.

Four tet says, "As serious as your life is...Y'all think I'm a player but I don't play."

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The Upgrade Me Workout Playlist

1. Give It To Me (f/ Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake) by Timbaland
2. Until The End of Time (ft. The Benjamin Wright Orchestra) by Justin Timberlake
3. She Wants To Move by N*E*R*N*E*R*D
4. Successful (feat. Trey Songz & Lil' Wayne) by Drake
5. Do You by Ne-Yo
6. Afraid by Nelly Furtado
7. Teenage Love Affair by Alicia Keys
8. Same Girl by R. Kelly with Usher
9. Upgrade U (feat. Jay-Z) by Beyonce
10. Gossip Folks by Missy Elliott

Bonus: Dilemma by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland

Power Cardio and Resistance today which, after my muscles got warmed up, didn't suck nearly as much as I expected it to. What does suck today? Tiffany went home.

Kelly Rowland says, "No matter what I do all I think about is you."

The Jockin' JT Workout Playlist

Jockin' Jay - Z (Dope Boy Fresh) by Jay - Z  
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Jockin' Jay-Z (Dope Boy Fresh).mp3 (8663 KB)

1. Don't Touch Me (Throw Da Water On 'Em) by Busta Rhymes
2. Hot Thing (feat. will.i.am) by Talib Kweli
3. The Choice is Yours (revisited) by Black Sheep
4. Royal Flush by Big Boi
5. A-YO by Method Man / Redman
6. Gettin' Up by Q-Tip
7. Quiet Dog by Mos Def
8. Damn I'm Cold by Bun B
9. Dey Know (remix) by Shawty Lo
10. Top Down by Swizz Beatz
11. Get Busy by The Roots
12. Black Mags by The Cool Kids
13. The Champ by Ghostface Killah
14. Jockin' Jay-Z (Dope Boy Fresh) by Jay-Z
15. Girl You Know by Scarface

Bonus: I Do It For Hip Hop by Ludacris

Pure cardio and cardio abs.

Today was a tough one.

Jay-Z says, "The realest shit in rap comes from my voice box."

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The Love Doesn't Make This Any Easier Workout Playlist

1. Those Were The Days by Aaliyah
2. I Just Died by Amerie
3. One In A Million (Remix) by Aaliyah / Ginuwine
4. Get Along With You (FakeID Remix) by Kelis
5. Best Friend by Brandy
6. For Real by Amel Larrieux
7. Come Se Me by Jill Scott
8. This Luv by Donell Jones
9. Outro by Monica
10. I Can Love You by Mary J. Blige

Bonus: Guess What by Keyshia Cole

One of these days, I'll tell y'all the story of the last few days but today I'm just sweating my face off to a decidedly romantic r&b workout playlist. Despite featuring one of my all time favorite love songs "For Real" and one of my all time favorite remixes "Get Along With You" it didn't help with those damn level 1 drills.