Jason Toney

The One With Blacks on Blacks on Blacks

"In my head I'm only half together." - Donny Hathaway and Roberta Flack, Be Real Black For Me

It was fitting to end the long weekend in Atlanta Airport's E Concourse in a restaurant, One Flew South, that features a Black Executive Chef and sitting two tables over from Nikki Giovanni. A few yards away from the restaurant entrance stands an exhibit celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

This is America. This is Blackness. This is Post-Blackness?

I ask the question because it's been the topic of conversation with my wife, with my in-laws, and in my head for most of the last week. I read Touré's book, Who's Afraid of Post-Blackness? over the course of the last two days, essentially in two four-hour sessions, and, as usual, my mind was set ablaze by discussions of Black Identity, this fluid intriguing thing that used to be the primary focus of this here blog. This is not a review of the book, though. That'll come later.

No, this is just an acknowledgment of how much "Blackness" can dominate the psyche. My mother-in-law likes to talk. But, invariably, my conversations with her always turn to her life experience, her Black life experience. How does she herself and how does she see the world? How does that conflict with my father-in-law's experience who sees the world differently than she does. Beyond that, how does that jibe with how I see the world? How Tiffany sees the world? How we see ourselves?

We all know the Black narrative. We know it's tropes and it's confines as well as its many layers. And yet, our four experiences of what it means to be Black in America today are wholly different.

And...And what? My president is black. My boss's boss, too. And I'll be goddamned if I know what that do. To me. And how I see myself. Anything? Everything? Nothing?

Maybe Baratunde's upcoming How to Be Black will help me figure this whole thing out.

Soundtrack to this post

 

Grandma Tales

Soundtrack to this post: Matthew Halsall's Colour Yes

I want to tell you a story of a woman born in the 1930s in a small town in Arkansas. Born to a father who came into the world at the turn of the century and a mother who was half his age. Her father's parents are a mystery shrouded in whispers of murder. I want to tell you of the only "grandparents" she knew, an anomaly of the day -- a white family who wasn't afraid to openly show kindness to a black child in the Jim Crow South.

I want to tell you that story but even though that's the beginning, it's the one I know the least well.

I want to tell you the story of how she migrated north to Detroit at the age of 9. How she was already strong and independent (something she would instill in all her daughters) and how, at 17, she got it in her mind to go to Chicago and see the world. How she'd meet a handsome man, just a few years older than she. He was a smooth talker and knew how to show a girl a good time and before long they were with child. And not long after that, they were married.

I want to tell you the complicated story of their love but I'm not sure it's mine to tell.

I want to tell you about the Brown vs. Board of Education and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the removal of barriers to education that that brought, which sent this woman, who had only worked as a housekeeper, back to school. I want to tell you how she became a librarian so that she could be sure to always have her own money and never feel like she needed that man she loved but... (like I said, it's complicated). And, also because she adored books. I want to tell you how everything they owned, from the house to the cars, were in her name. Bought, generally, with her money. And, you should also know, that all her children, most of whom, like her, had children at a young age, all went on to college or the military and all of whom, those that still walk this earth, are at the top of their fields.

I want to tell you that story so that you know, and I know, that my good fortune isn't from magic but from the hard work and determination of generations before me. Women, mostly. But my story isn't her story.

I want to tell you that at 76 years old, this woman is still vibrant. She may walk slowly and have to rock herself out of chairs. She may repeat her anecdotes often and confess that she's lonely in that empty house of hers and still broken hearted by the losses that living this long brings. But, she's alive. Her laughter and her eyes still light up a room as bright as they ever did. She is still excited to learn and see new things. She can still spin a delicious yarn when she gets going. It is still the best thing going when she forgets she's talking to her grandson and lets out a curse word in the most jaw-droppingly delightful way. It is still a pleasure to spend time in her presence. She's alive and doesn't have plans on quitting this plane anytime soon. And I'm all the better for it.

And that's the story of a life worth telling.

#resound11: All is Love

"Well, baby, I been around the world but I ain't seen myself another girl like you." - Justin Timberlake, My Love (ft. T.I.)

Prompt 25: All is Love
Who do you love unconditionally? Who loves you unconditionally? Who do you love despite their flaws? All is love.

Tiffany B. Brown.

I've had lots of conversations over the past few days, primarily with my grandmother, talking about relationships. Why they last. Why people stay. What is true of the relationships in my family. Obviously, as I'm still in the first year of marriage, that has me thinking a lot about my own.

The woman currently sleeping in the next room is my forever person. I don't know how else to put it. Whatever pet peeves I may have (and I'm going with the President Obama answer for this and saying, "Oh, I don't have one."), she gets me. She rides for me and with me.

She makes me laugh. She fills me up inside. She ignites my heart, my mind, my...

She pushes me in the ways I need to be pushed. She challenges my world view. She reminds me that I'm not invincible, that I sometimes lose, that my rampant optimism must be tempered with doses of realism, and that good times aren't necessarily forever.

She shows me a reality different from my own every day. And, in doing so, proves to me that I exist.

That my actions matter.

That this life counts.

And all of it is full of love.

Soundtrack to this post

• My Love (ft. TI) by Justin Timberlake
• You Are What You Love by Jenny Lewis with The Watson Twins
• Love featuring Pharoahe Monch by J Dilla (aka Jay Dee)
• Just As Long As We're In Love by Terry Callier
• Wanna Love U Girl (feat. Pharrell) by Robin Thicke
• Fall in Love by Slum Village

#resound11: Traditions

"Santa's knockin' on my door. I wonder if I should let him in?" - Soul Saints, Santa's Got A Bag of Soul

Prompt 18: Traditions
This is the time of year when families are upholding decades old traditions and working to create new ones. It doesn't matter what you celebrate (or don't) ... please share with us your December traditions: how they got started, why you continue them, and why they are special to you.

I'm skipping ahead a bit (and suspect I will get back to the two prompts before this one) but...

Both my wife and my best friend have confessed to struggling with the holidays this year and I respect and get that. It has led to some self-reflection on my part, though.

I like the winter holidays. I'm not a religious man and don't celebrate Christmas (the traditions of my family home) because of any pious reasons. The holiday, however, does represent for me some lovely traditions that have grown over time...primarily since I've been an adult.

My family doesn't see each other all that often during the year. My sister lives in New York. My mom is often travelling. I'm busy in my own world. We are almost always, however, home for Christmas. We've gotten good at getting each other meaningful gifts that reflect what we know about each other and that simple acknowledgment that, even with our busy lives, we stay connected and work to show that connection and understanding satisfies something deep in me (probably guilt over my inability, every year, to be more family oriented but that part of my tortured soul can be up for discussion another day).

This time of year also allows me to do a lot of taking stock. A look back on the previous 12 months, invariably, fills me up with a lot of love and joy: about the incredible moments that have happened in another year of life and the important people that helped make those moments happen or matter.

And that's what I enjoy about gift giving and this formal time of doing so. It provides the spark for me to take some time from primarily thinking about myself to stop and say, "Hi. I appreciate having you in my life. Here's but a small token that I hope brings you a little happiness."

 Happy Holidays.

 

When We Were Kings

"Don't be cynical. Don't be critical." - Betty Wright with The Roots, You and Me, Leroy 

"You look like king," said the Diplomat as he slapped me on the back. He turned to his brother-in-law, the father of the bride, and they spoke quietly in Bahasa Indonesian before turning back to me and nodding. 

Apparently, I cleaned up well.

Weddings are extremely important ceremonies in Indonesian culture, particularly for the Sundanese (folks from West Java), and so, that Tiffany and I would be the only members of the family in attendance for her cousin, who was to marry an Indonesian woman, was a big deal. We became the elders of his family, representing his mother and father in the ceremony which included us wearing traditional Sundanese ceremonial attire.

For me, this meant a sarong of batik cloth, a white shirt with gold colored buttons, a black jacket reminiscent of Michael Jackson's more understated military attire, a cap, and a kris (ceremonial sword).
Coolest. Shit. Ever.

Immediately, I felt the magnitude of the day's events. I could feel the import of the role I was to play. I immediately felt more serious. Even as the family joked a bit with me, I could sense this was not a time for snark or to downplay the significance. I was on the other side of the world, standing up for a man I had only met six months prior, and I was dressed for the part.

So, I stood a little more straight. I tried to offer some fatherly, or at least, brotherly advice to a man ten years my senior and I set about making the best impression humanly possible to people who, generally, didn't speak english,and  all of whom I was just meeting.

So I paid attention. I learned the proper way to greet people (palms together, fingers touching) and a little bit of bahasa ('terima kasih' means 'thank you'). I joked with the father of the bride. I was open to everything. Every piece of food put in front of me. Every direction for how to proceed. Every word I didn't understand. Every aspect of this culture I knew so little about.

By the end of the day, I had greeted well over 200 people. I had watched a wedding ceremony unlike anything I'd seen before featuring a well defined contract of marriage responsibilities and terms of divorce, the breaking of an egg, a traditional dance, and prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.

"You look like a king," said the Diplomat.

I felt like one, too.

Words For My Father

"In the end I hope you only turn out better than me." - Busta Rhymes on the chorus of The Game's Like Father, Like Son

A couple months ago, my father and I had a conversation. My dad has been reflecting on his life a lot lately and there were some things he wanted to say. Most surprising to me was this one thought he had, this fear that he hadn't been the father I wanted or needed throughout my life. He asked me to think about times when I needed him and he wasn't there or when things didn't go the way I thought they should.

Here's what I remember:

As I have documented here before, my father isn't my biological dad. My mom met him the year after I was born. I was adopted by him when I was 13. I don't know—or care to know—my biological father. That adoption is the only thing that I wish had gone differently. Not the adoption itself. I love my dad. I love my family. I wouldn't change that for the world. At 13, however, I had already created an identity for myself. I was a Saunders. I was proud of being a Saunders. I felt strongly about being the lone Saunders grandson (which I still am) and the importance of carrying that name forward meant. So, my challenge with the process of adoption was that nobody talked to me about it. Nobody explained why we were doing it. What it meant for me. Nobody asked me how I felt about it. And, to be frank, that pissed me off.

Anybody who knows me, I suspect, generally understands this about who I am: I am incredibly independent, ridiculously curious, and hate not being trusted with information. I have always been this way. Since my youngest days, I have always wanted to be a part of the conversation. If there's anything that I would like for my relationship with my father, it's this -- that we could talk more. I mean really talk. We've rarely been on the same wavelength in conversation. I've rarely felt unguarded with him, protective of my feelings and his, protective of my view of him and his view of me. I've gotten more open with age but this is still a challenge. I don't talk with any of my family enough but this is even more stark with my dad. Even when we do talk, I worry I'm not doing enough to just be present, just be normal, just be me when I'm with him.

Here's what else I remember:

His patience with me as I never quite took to music the way he loved it; playing baseball in the backyard; his challenges to me to be a much more active member of the family; teaching me how to ride a bike and drive a car; showing me what it meant to be an independent adult; being stern and firm when I needed it; and, letting me be who I am. 

And the music. It's kind of amazing to live in a house dominated by beautiful sounds, masterful playing, and a constant stream of creative individuals walking through the door. I may not play but I appreciate music greatly -- a wide variety of sounds. I appreciate the hard work it takes to be great at something. I understand the singular passion and focus it takes to make beautiful things.

My dad still practices for hours on end to this day. I couldn't make it through 30 minutes at the piano when I was 7.

His fingers make magic.

Happy Father's Day.

The One Where The House Became A Home

"Do you think about me now and then cuz' I'm coming home again?" - Kanye West, Homecoming

There have only been a few instances over the 4 and a 1/2 years that I've lived here that I've thought about this apartment as a "home." More often than not it's been the unkempt place that I lay my head and watch TV but not really a home. A home is a place you want to share with people. A home is a place that you care for, that you take pride in, that you feel good about. That had never been a consistent feeling...until this week.

We entertained on New Year's Day. The Martini and Hillary and my parents all came over to enjoy Tiffany's good luck meal of ribs and greens and black eyed peas. Anna brought Filipino good luck in some pancit (and lumpia). Moms brought cornbread and champagne. Hillary came with dessert and bourbon. We watched Planet Earth and listened to soul records. We played Mario Party 8. We chatted about lots of things and drank and laughed. For nearly 8 hours, we celebrated each other's company and wished each other good fortune in the coming 365 days.

Before that, though, there was cleaning and shopping and cooking and all the preparations necessary for having people over. In those moments, too, there was laughter and smiles and maybe a little dancing. And warmth. And love. This is what I've found a lot of in the last few weeks. There's power in hearing voices other than your own internal monologue on the regular. There's comfort in laughter. There's joy in the simple acts of caring for others.

So, my house turned into our home this week and it had little to do with the few pieces of furniture we bought or the small bits of redecoration that have happened. It's been the people that have walked through the door.

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

• The Best Thing I Saw This Week: Beyond watching about 6 episodes of Planet Earth on mute on Saturday, nothing comes to top of mind.
• The Best Thing I Heard This Week: Much of this week was spent making two big improvements to my music library. First, getting as much Teena Marie in there as possible and second, filling the holes in my hip hop collection. We're talking Kurtis Blow and Run DMC and The Furious Five.
• The Best Thing I Read This Week: I've been devouring The Big Payback and enjoying it immensely.
• The Thing I Read This Week That Most Resonated:

It takes guts to be an insurgent, and even though the asymmetrical nature of challenging the status quo is in their favor, often we find we’re short on guts. … and then the incumbents prevail.*

Why? Because one of the key parts of my plan for the year is about challenging the status quo. It's a good reminder that doing that kind of risk taking and rabble rousing requires guts. As I look towards the first real work week in nearly a month, I need that reminder.

Take a deep breath, ol' boy, and then step in the arena.

Let's go!

*That's two weeks in a row for Seth Godin acting as inspiration. For less businessy alternatives, see these other powerful words I liked from Cornel West, Janelle Monae, and Marissa Mayer.

My 2011 Personal Operating Plan

"There's something in your heart and it's in your eyes. It's the fire, inside you, it burns. You don't say 'good luck'. You say, 'don't give up.' The fire. Let it burn." - The Roots, The Fire

I did this last year and am happy with the results so let's do it again.

Broad Strategic Goals

In everything I do this year, the goal is to Provide Value. In my personal life, I will be more deliberate with my Kindness and Compassion. I will also Love Harder. Health and Wellness will be a priority. Professionally and creatively, I will embrace Breaking Some Eggs, Breaking Some Rules, and Challenging the Status Quo. 

Health and Wellness

As I said last year, 

Five years from now, I plan to visit a doctor for regular checkups four times a year, the dentist twice a year, and the eye doctor at least once a year. I will be staring down my 40th birthday and I plan to live a long, happy, and healthy life. That includes regular visits to smart medical practitioners.

Well, one year has passed since then and while this is true, the fact of the matter is, five years from now I will be 40 years old and I want to be much healthier than I am now. Of these things, the only thing I do consistently is see my eye doctor once a year.

This year, I'm focusing on two things with health and wellness. First, take full advantage of my really great employer provided health benefits and start my regular doctor and dentist visits. In January, I will find new medical and dental providers that I will be happy with and excited about partnering on my future well-being. The requirements are that they take advantage of the latest medical and dental knowledge and tools, are personable and compassionate, and convenient to visit (meaning close to home or work).

Second, embrace this whole Body Integration concept. One of the running themes in my reverb 10 posts was this desire to get my eating right, working out, personal care stuff all happening at the same time. I plan to do that this year beginning this coming week. I joined health month and daily mile and will use those to track my adhering to my simple goals—eating right, working out regularly, taking my vitamins, and following my morning rituals around mental focus. I want to be at a healthy BMI within the first 6 months of the year and then set new goals at that time.

Financial

I want Tiffany and I to be without any legacy debts that either of us bring into our union by the end of 2011. I want to have saved a considerable amount (still TBD) and I plan to have a small portfolio of personal investment in progressive companies and companies, projects or individuals that I have a vested interest in seeing do well.

I also want to significantly increase my charitable giving. I did that this year without missing the dollars. Let's do more of that.

Career

Provide value. Instill values. Showcase and Celebrate that value.

Me and my team will provide significant meaningful value to our guests and the Company. We will be passionate product managers, producers, and page owners who focus on creating the best guest experiences possible, plussing our existing experiences, and advocating for the right thing, always.

I will drive forward the values, goals, and mission that I believe are critical for our success. We will be data-driven, solution-oriented, efficient, and forward-thinking. We will not be bogged down by our legacy. We will transition fully from being order-takers to storytellers. We will push our areas of the business forward and take advantage of the smart work of the rest of the teams in our organization.

We will tell our own stories internally. We will celebrate the projects we are proud of, the ones that perform well, and showcase the value and the values we bring to the Company. We will not be sheepish about our success.

Creativity and Learning

This year, I want to renew my love affair with Los Angeles and California as a whole. Tiffany is here now with fresh eyes and I want to really expand my awareness of the city and state we call home by learning and experiencing much more of it. I did a lot of book learning about Los Angeles in 2010, now it's about going out and seeing more of it in action.

Creatively, I want to get more deliberate about what I write here and what I post around the web. Writing is my outlet but there are areas that I am passionate about that I don't spend as much time as I would like writing about. I want to write more about the relationship I have with music and pop culture and how it impacts and motivates me in my career and private life. I want to spend more time writing about black folks and technology. And I want to write some fiction this year.

This is scary and I'm just now thinking about this as I'm writing this but why not make it a goal - 6 short stories by the end of 2011.

Whoa.

Okay, I'm scared.

And thrilled.

Travel

This is the year of international travel. Trust. The honeymoon must be outside of the United States. Boom!

I also want to visit more of the northwestern U.S. and get to New York, the Yay Area and New Orleans as often as humanly and financially possible.

Friends and Family

I want to see my sister more. This ties in with trips to New York since that is now her home but that's real. I love the person she's become and want more time with that chick.

Now that Tiffany and I share the same space, I want to entertain more at home. The much talked about Supper Club should finally come to be this year and I can see rotating dinners with my folks at each other's homes. 

Also, a weekly residency at The Library Bar with our classy drinking friends should be the right way to kick off the New Year.

So, the goal here is being in the same physical space with my favorite people on the planet on a regular, committed basis.

Love

In the abstract, the goal is to love harder. As we transition from the Long Distance thing to the See Each Other Every Day thing, I don't want to get complacent. I want to be excited and passionate and emotional and meaningful every day. Even though we've been together for nearly 2 and half years, this is really new for us and I want to enjoy it and take advantage of it to show to her and to myself that our love continues to grow and blossom and delight.

I also want us to find a space that better suits us in size and function.

Oh, and come May 14th, we'll be throwing the best damn party we can to celebrate that love. In New Orleans. With some of the best food and drink you will ever put in your face. And we'll help rebuild and renew the city.

Oh, and we'll get married, too.

Just that little thing.

The Mantra For The Year?

Move. Get up, get out, and do something!

Let's go!!

 

Lesson Learned #reverb10

"When I opened my eyes it was all in front of me." - Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings, I Learned The Hard Way

December 17 – Lesson Learned
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
(Author: Tara Weaver)

I learned that I'm not as good as reading other people's cues as I like to think I am. I learned not assume that people walk through the world and process situations the same way I do and that it's important for me to recognize when those divergent view points are leading towards conflict.

I've learned to listen more. Really listen. To try my best to not have an opinion or an assumed answer when I ask a question.

Going forward, the goal is to not try to win every conversation. This is hard. I'm very much a "Saunders" in this regard. My mother and a couple of her siblings and my grandfather all are or were prone to argue famously. We like it. We tend to not take heated debate personally even when the words get harsh or too real. They are all quick witted and learned and convinced they are right even when they are so wrong.

I'm just like them.

That leads to great fun and entertainment when we're around each other or other like-minded folks. For others, though, trying to debate with me is prone to get your feelings hurt even when that's not my intent.

I just want to win.

I'm just convinced I'm right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.

And I like the art and spirit of debate. It's like a great workout for my brain.

But I don't mean to hurt your feelers.

And everything isn't a debate.

So in 2011, I'm going to try my damnedest to understand when something is just a conversation and not a debate and I'll shut up more often and be open to alternate theories and approaches to life.

Unless you're just totally wrong.

I just can't cotton to wrongheadedness. And I will need to tell you about yourself.

Sigh.

#ITSAPROCESS

Friendship #reverb10

"Your real friends won't do you wrong." - Nas and Damian Marley, Friends

December 16 – Friendship
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
(Author: Martha Mihalick)

In my world, these days, family and friends munge together so I'm going to not follow the rules and talk about two people. Their names both start with the same letter, though, so maybe that counts.

Derrick (perhaps better known as geekandahalf) was an inspiration. He made a declaration at the beginning of the year and his steady focus on that goal and making the changes he wanted in his life was awe inducing. His embracing of hope and possibility in the face of ridiculous upheaval, with disappointment lurking behind every corner, reminded me that, when in doubt, go big. D-nice spent 2010 living big, loving big, and living out loud. I'm of the opinion we only get one shot at this life thing so why live it any other way?

Dominique, my sister, moved back to New York City just a little over a year ago and has never looked back. She's had the quintessential struggling actress life in the city, with multiple places to live, multiple jobs, and all the challenges that come with being young, broke, black and fabulous in the Big Apple. Through it all, though, she's grown and learned and adapted. And won! She's performed on stage regularly. She did her first commercial. She's gone viral. She's performed in foreign lands. She's doing the damn thing. From her I am always reminded, trust your gut, follow your heart, take risks, and take no shorts. This is the Team Toney way and Dominique lived it to the fullest in 2010.

Love y'all.