Jason Toney

Disengaged

"Watch how you talk, watch where you walk, nigga" - Mr. Cheeks, Supposed To (featuring Floetry)

We're just under two months shy of the anniversary of Aaron's death. In a week, it will be exactly a year from our last conversation (online, of course. It was a Saturday night. We talked Justice League Unlimited and our shared curse of falling in love with "crazy" women). This week, I've been thinking a lot about how I've interacted with the online world, the blog world, since his passing.

In general, I've disconnected from my emotional connection with a lot of the 'virtual' people. This space has become far less intimate. With LAist (and at work), I've turned blogging into a job. It is a job I love and enjoy but it is no longer a complete digital representation of who I am.

It wasn't by design, necessarily. I made a conscious decision to detach a bit. I couldn't deal with the weirdness of attempting to deal with the very real emotions of anger, sadness and frustration in this unreal place. I simply no longer wanted to read and write about my friend who died in a way I can't, don't and won't understand.

And, apparently, I didn't want to risk feeling trapped like a ghost in a machine again. I haven't made any new strictly online friends in that time. I read fewer and fewer blogs that act as diaries. With rare exception, I've pulled back from old virtual relationships. Not by design, necessarily, but I've been protecting myself.

I realized that this week as another blog world birthday approached and I was at a loss for words. At a loss for connection and relavence. I felt separate, am separate, from most of those with whom I once talked with every day.

Hell, I don't even write in my livejournal anymore and only like 5 people read that.

I'm not sure if I'm hiding, if I've just found the balance between the real world and this one that works for me or if this will pass and I'll return to the journal with bloggish tendencies that negro please once was.

I seriously doubt the latter.

I miss it and I don't.

It's almost a year since Aaron died and  359 days since he and I last talked and I'm just taking stock of how weird this virtual world has gotten for me without him in it.

Roll with tha New

"I love you, girl, love you, girl!" - Ol' Dirty Bastard, Drunk Game (Sweet Sugar Pie) [buy the album] Good lord, it's early. Last year, about this time, Aaron Hawkins made a proclamation or two. This year, we're taking up the cause for him. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Over at the right there, you'll find a button that, if you click it, it will help to fund mammograms for women who wouldn't normally afford to have them when they should. I would go into a whole thing about our current abysmal health care situation and how, we, as the wealthiest nation on the planet, should be horrified at the way we don't care for our citizens. All of them. Particularly those in need and that is one of my key issues in this election. I would but it's 5:34 in the morning and damnit, I'm trying really hard not to start October angry. September 2004, goodbye, it's been real but you overstayed your welcome about 8 days in and I'm glad to never have to see you again. But, you know, check out Gwen's site for the more specific scoop on how to get involved in Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And, finally, Aaron's family is going to continue to post at uppity-negro.com in the spirit of the site. This site will always be an uppity-negro.com fansite but I've changed the tagline. Right now, as fall is upon us, I'm feeling, as Michelle would say, too cute for color television. Save lives.

Fin

Untitled

The very dead Nate, Sr: You're missing the point. David: There is no point. That's the point. Isn't it? Nate, Sr: Don't give me this phony existential bullshit. I expect better from you. The point's right in front of your face. David: Well, I'm sorry but I don't see it. Nate, Sr: You're not even grateful are you? David: Grateful? For the worst fucking experience of my life? Nate, Sr: You hang on to your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well, let me tell you: it's not worth shit. Let it go. (Nate, Sr. looks toward the sky) Infinite possibilities and all he can do is whine. David: And what am I supposed to do? Nate, Sr: What do you think? You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that? David: It can't be so simple. Nate, Sr: What if it is?

Bargaining, Pt. 1

"Little girl be fair/Show yourself you care/let others care for you/Before it's too late/Cause time won't wait/Till your heart's no longer blue." - Stevie Wonder, Girl Blue [time wastin'] So Michelle, EJ, and I had ourselves a chat today and it went something like this...

TARA: The urn of Osiris. WILLOW: (looks up) You really found it. ANYA: (sits opposite Willow) Yeah. It wasn't easy. I went through every supplier the Magic Box has. WILLOW: (alarmed) You used a Magic Box supplier? What if Giles finds out? ANYA: He's too busy not leaving to pay attention to me. (We see Xander standing beside Anya) Besides, I ended up getting it on eBay. TARA: You found the last known urn of Osiris on eBay? ANYA: Yeah, from this desert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited edition Backstreet Boys lunchbox for a - Xander coughs. Anya pauses. Xander looks nervous. ANYA: ...a friend. Tara looks at Xander with a little smile. XANDER: So you got your somber on, Will, is the urn not up to spec? Willow studies the urn with a frown, doesn't seem to have heard. She looks at Tara. WILLOW: It's the one. (puts it down) Which means it's time. XANDER: (anxious) It's time? (sits) Like, *time* time? With the... (vague hand gestures) timeliness? ANYA: (quietly) Are you sure? WILLOW: I am. TARA: Mercury's in retrograde, and we have... (to Willow) Do we have everything? WILLOW: (nods) Just about. Willow gets up, goes over to another table and begins putting things in a bag. XANDER: But why the sudden rushy-rush? I mean, did the bot blow our cover at school? TARA: No, she did great, she impressed all the teachers. XANDER: And they still thought it was Buffy? WILLOW: (turns back to them) Tomorrow night, we'll meet back here. XANDER: (jumps up) Whoa! Let's apply the brakes and check the rear- and side-view mirrors here. They all look at him. XANDER: (more calmly) This is deep stuff, Willow. We're talking about raising the dead. WILLOW: It's time we stop talking. Tomorrow night ... we're bringing Buffy back.

Well, really we talked about sad songs, which bloggers we'd like to punch in the face, and how we're all going to go to SXSW and remark about how much cooler we are than all you nerds. But it could've been. Just like that one time when uppity-negro.com just randomly burst into song.

From Avoidance to Angry Words

From July 1st, 2003 Look Who's Not Talking, Too

Aaron, who took time from pretending to not read Harry Potter, posts...

I mention the politicians because most of them somehow managed to secure primo spots towards the front of the parade, when I was still somewhat alert to what was going on. And even if participating is purely a symbolic gesture on their part, it's a better gesture than bitter complaining about the Supreme Court decision last week.

and I responded firstly with...

So what page are you not on in the book-that-will-not-be-named?

and then added quickly...

and I would comment on the political items in your piece except that I've been ignoring politics ever since your blogging has gotten sporadic and I feel much lighter in spirits. Speaking of spirits...is that nearly headless Nick over there?

It's been a long time since I've taken a critical look at culture, politics, society, or some other big, weighty issue here. I've thought about it but when I start googling around the web looking for things, I usually end up frustrated, annoyed, and tense. I spent a lot of time last summer dealing with matters of race and politics and all that like I was back in my sociology classes. For awhile it was a release...and then it wasn't. It became a chore. A chore that didn't make me feel better once it was done. So, at least for now, you probably shouldn't come here expecting those kinds of things. There are thoughts rumbling in my head -- like how I've started to consider how inneffectual the word "nigger" has become to me since the onslaught of seeing and hearing white people and non-black minorities use the word towards each other sincerely or hearing a crazy white singer use the word over and over again as part of a chorus to one of her crazy songs and what part hip hop plays in that -- but, yeah, right now I'm not going to write about it. At least not until Aaron starts posting again and I get all riled up. It's just not important enough to me at the moment. The most important question is this: Having your first gray hair show up in your nose means it doesn't really count, right? Yup, that's what I thought. Posted by Jason

So. . . I'm the Official Instigator? A heavy responsibility, this. Unfortunately, I'm with you on the becoming-a-chore thing. That's one of the reasons I've been so quiet lately. And yes, your gray hair has to be on you haid for it to count, Negro. posted by Aaron

Aaron, Me, & The PPG

From July 8th, 2002 Squee

Oh. Joy. Noting the Arafat baby-wipes meme which seems to have infested the gated-community warblogosphere, Amish Tech Support uses the terms "Napkinhead" and "Palestinian Asswipe". But, you know, it's not racist, because Arabs aren't a race. Jews aren't a race either, so I can call his bitch ass. . . ** WARNING: Emergency self-protection system engaged ** LOAD "*", 8, 1. . . Backup personality install complete . . . and Kids' WB showed a whole bunch of Powerpuff Girls cartoons on Saturday! I love that show. Buttercup is my favorite. And Shonen Knife did a song about them with a video and everything! Posted by Aaron

awww c'mon aaron, everyone knows racism and xenophobia lead to that wonderful jingoism that is necessary to win a war...especially a war without a nation to battle. what's wrong with you? Don't you know we can't beat the gangrene gang unless we make fun of their health problems and bad skin conditions? posted by Jason

Jason, I remember an episode of Space: Above and Beyond (hangs head in shame) where the characters come up with a snappy little slur to use against the invading alien hordes. Someone suggests "chiggers". If I was writing the show, this would have been the point where the only black character pulled out her rifle, shot the guy in the face, then looked around and asked sweetly, "Were there any other suggestions?" posted by Aaron